Amazing Australian Bullshit

Wall painting in the pub at the Burke and Wills Junction in Queensland
Photo by Katrin Holmsten

With most Aussies having a sense of humor and enjoying a bit of a laugh, they may try to play a joke on you and tell you a bit of bullshit, luckily you have been to this website and now know about bullshit like dropbears etc. so they are not going to fool you with their bullshit !
Aussies that are particularly prone to bragging, fantasizing, or just telling people absolute nonsense, are known as Bullshit Artists, we'll start this page with an introduction to some :

B.S.A. Scott Wright

34 Year old B.S.A. Scott Wright rose from anonimity to national news headlines in a flash when he claimed to have been attacked by a shark while swimming at Sydney's Bondi Beach in December 2007.
This would have been the first shark attack there since 1929 but very soon doubts arose about his shark attack story and not much later it was revealed that the deep cuts on his right arm were not caused by a shark but by broken glass while he was breaking in to a building in Hobart! After cutting himself he had bandaged the arm, jumped on a plane to Sydney and then made national headlines telling the world he had been attacked by a shark and several days later he ended up in jail for stealing wallets and a car from the Noah's Backpackers where he stayed.

B.S.A. Nigel Bevan, Australia's kangaroo testicle chef

Some Aussie by the name of Nigel Bevan (or so he said) bullshitted the organisers of the World Testicle Cooking Championship in Serbia to believe that he was Australia's leading kangaroo testicle chef.
As they normally only get European chefs competing in this amazing event they were very excited to get a contestant from such a distant country.
The WTCC organizers bought a large amount of kangaroo testicles from an address supplied by Bevan, (they were happy with his advice as there are not a lot of kangaroo testicle shops in Serbia) but they remained uncooked in Nigel's absence.
Thanks to the Aussie competitor not showing up gourmet testicle chef Dejan Milovanovic from Belgrade won the 2005 World Title with wild boar and bull testicles.

The Australian Cow Fan

In 1999 when I was working as a tourguide driving a bus full of backpackers through the Gulf from Cairns to Darwin a young pommie bloke asked me about the windmills that we saw like above. I told him that as Australia, and especially the outback where we were at the time, was too hot for the European cows, the farmer would on hot summer days turn on the fan for his cows so they could come and cool down. And what do you know, this guy believed me!

Story by ex Gulf tourguide

South-of-the-equator G-strings

While most of the world's women wear G-strings with a strap that holds them up, Aussie women, living south of the equator and thus upside down hanging underneath the globe, wear G-strings with straps as you can see on the banner below. If you plan to wear G-strings during your Australian holiday you can pack your own away in your suitcase when you cross the equator and go to the website of Backlesslingerie.com.au to buy yourself some Aussie G-strings to get you through your Australian holiday. Just remember to change to your old G-string when you cross the equator going back into the Northern hemisphere again.

Drop Bears

Many Aussies have delighted over the years in warning tourists not to go into the forest at night to avoid the drop bears. These are supposed to resemble a koala but about five times the size, and when frightened run to the outer branches of the tree that will then break off under their weight, resulting in a 50 kg. bear landing on your head causing injury. This is an old joke but they may still try it on you.

Koala Bear Fat

B.S.A. Klaus Schneider sent us this beauty;

I made up this story to my sister in law in Germany and she took it hook, line and sinker:
Wick Vaporub, the cold medicine is basically Koala bear fat.
See, all the eucalyptus leaves they eat, are full of eucalyptus oil and the koalas store that in their body fat.
Professional Koala hunters pick the big ones, shoot them skin them, scrape the fat of their skins, render it down and bingo, there you have Wick Vaporub.
TIll today, she doesn't know that I had her on big time !

Ooi Ooi Bird

This is a less commonly heard story, it is supposed to be a bird whose testicles are bigger than its legs, thus resulting in painful landings filling the night with "Thud! Ooi! Oooi!" sounds.

Plastic bag farms

Ever wondered where plastic bags come from? Well, from the plastic bag farm ofcourse!
In north Queensland between Townsville and Cairns you will see many plastic bag farms next to the highway. Some farmers specialize in blue bags, others in yellow bags, and the one on the picture grows a mix of orange and white.

The Dish

The Australian movie 'The Dish' is based on a true story of ingenious Aussie bullshit.
In the Australian outback there are several satellite tracking stations, that are based there because of the absence of interference signals that normally emit from cities.
During an American Apollo mission to the moon it was the job of an Australian base in the town of Parkes in the New South Wales outback to track the Apollo space craft. Unfortunately the power dropped out, and their computers crashed. Normally a backup generator would start but somebody had forgotten to put fuel in it! After the generator was fuelled up and they got the electricity supply restored they turned on their computers again but now they had lost the location of the spacecraft. They could have contacted NASA for an approximate location and then homed in on that but they decided this would be too embarrassing and someone with pen and paper and calculator went to work. Meanwhile NASA was on the phone to check that everything was going well with their multi million dollar mission and astronauts floating around the moon and the Aussies bullshitted them that everything was fine and under control! Nearly a day later the man with the calculator finally figured out where the American spacecraft was and they locked on again and kept pretending to the Americans that everything had been under control all the time!!!

TNT bullshit

On the website of the well known courier service it says;

TNT Express is one of the world's leading providers of business-to-business express delivery services. TNT Express is able to offer its customers an extensive domestic and international network, integrated with the latest technology. This allows TNT Express to provide a unique combination of on-demand, time-sensitive, door-to-door services within Australia and around the world.

Time sensitive? Door to door? Yeah right.....
When I paid $172.- to get a parcel from Sydney to Cape Tribulation it took no less than six days until I got a call from a tyre shop in Mossman with the message "your parcel is here".
Huh? What do you mean? Look at the address label and tell me what it says on there, it does not say Mossman Tyres on there, I have paid for this parcel to be delivered to my house, you are a three hour return trip from here. Numerous phone calls later, lengthened more by a long weekend when there is nobody available at TNT to help you, the message remained the same from all TNT employees; even though it may have your adress on the label TNT will only deliver it there when they feel like it, and reserve the right to dump your parcel at a depot which may be hours away from your house, and there are no refunds or reimbursements for your time and travel expenses to retrieve your parcel! Several times I typed the parcel's reference number in on their website that claims to track all parcels; and every time it said the parcel had been delivered, even though it was sitting in a shed 1.5 hours away from me.
This makes their mission statement: 'TNT’s strategic aim is to be the fastest and most reliable delivery provider' a load of complete bullshit!

Miscellaneous bullshit

Bullshit Artist Doug Bingham from Queensland sent us these little beauties;

In the Aboriginal wars of the 1700s they used to light up koala bears and throw them like handgrenades. The bears being full of eucalyptus leaves would create a build up of gas and explode. Hence there are not as many koala bears as there used to be.
Also in our area is a black and grey banded snake. If bitten you must count the number of white bands as you will throw a fit for each one over several years untill the poison is out of your system.
Emu oil is only good in two stroke engines.
Hoop snakes put their tail in their mouth and roll down hills. Nearly impossible to get away from unless you are on flat ground.

Bullshit or not?

Bullshit Artist Doug Bingham from Queensland sent us some info that goanna oil is so good if you put it in a glass jar and sit it on a shelf after a while there will be a film of oil under the glass jar as the oil works its way through. However, someone only known to us as B. emailed us that the story about Goanna oil seeping through glass is true. B. informed us that Goanna Oil is a trademark started in Brisbane that does not contain any real Goanna Oil at all, but if you were to kill a Lace Monitor or Goanna, which is illegal anyway, you could find strips of fat that get stored for winter when you cut a slit in it's tail. Real Goanna oil is then extracted from that fat in the tail. If you put that oil in a glass jar it can seep through it overnight. B. knows an islander who has done this.

Opinions are now divided one to one. Are there any other bullshit artists or real experts out there that can solve this mystery for us?

If you are a bullshit artist and got some good bullshit send it to us to add to this page!