Amazing Australian Politicians
Lots of interesting politicians occupy Parliament House in Canberra
In Australia it is against the law to ride a bicycle
when you're drunk but it is perfectly acceptable to run a country
when you're drunk. In most jobs in private industry you would be
fired for drinking on the job but in politics this is widely accepted,
and from time to time the Australian media treats us to reports
on drunken politicians who at times even attack eachother in parliament.
One time the opposition in the NSW parliament attempted to move
a motion that politicians should not be allowed in the parliamentary
chamber under the influence of alcohol but this motion was defeated
!!!!
While a few American customs tend to blow over the Pacific to be
adopted in Australia one has not yet taken hold and that is actors
going into politics. Though Americans are happy to vote for Clint
Eastwood, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Ronald Reagan, most Australians
still find it hard to imagine people like Kylie Minogue or Crocodile
Dundee to do a decent job as Prime Minister. Mark Latham had a go
at changing this by recruiting rock singer Peter Garrett, but was
unsuccesful in getting other well known Aussies on board.
Never mind, our current pollies are entertaining enough, and below
you will find a selection of retired, current, wanna be, and wanted
to be politicians.......
Amanda Vanstone
Amanda Vanstone
Amanda Eloise Vanstone was born on 7 December 1952
in Adelaide and was a Liberal Senator for South Australia from 1984
to 2007, elected as the youngest member at age 32. In 1996 she was
the only woman in John Howard's cabinet. She held several ministerial
portfolios in the Howard Government, the most tumultuous as Minister
for Immigration marked by many controversies within the Department
of Immigration and Multicultural and Indigenous Affairs, one of
them the Cornelia Rau
case.
She abolished the Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander Commission
calling it a corrupt bureaucracy and was never afraid to use strong
language or offend interest groups.
She resigned from politics on 26 April 2007 and in June 2007 she
moved to Europe where she is now Australia's Ambassador to Italy.
Over the years she has been described as "junker guts"
in Mark Latham's book, and as "having the hairiest box ever
seen on a woman" by Wayne Swan.
Andrew Bartlett
A Senator for Queensland since 1997, and currently
Deputy Leader and Party Whip of the Australian Democrats, Senator
Andrew Bartlett was born August 1964 in Brisbane Queensland where
he has lived all his life. He is one of the few Aussie politicians
to have had the foresight to register his name as a .com, John Howard
and many others have missed out.
In December 2003 this Australian Democrats leader made the headlines
after he had a few drinks and, inside the federal parliamentary
chamber in Canberra, assaulted and abused Liberal senator Jeannie
Ferris, calling her a f#*&#! bitch. The argument was over a
few bottles of wine allegedly taken from a Christmas party. After
this he decided to take eight weeks off work to dry out for which
he was paid $27000,-
Andrew spent December 2003 not drinking but in December 2004 he
also decided to stop eating and joined Iranian refugees that were
about to be deported in a hunger strike. As a consistent and vocal
campaigner for refugees and asylum seekers, he is the only Australian
parliamentarian to have visited every refugee detention centre in
Australia as well as those on Christmas Island and Nauru, where
he went twice to meet with detainees. Click
here for more info on his strong record on human rights and
social justice issues, animal rights and the environment or visit
his official
website for more info.
Andrew Olexander
In 2002, MP Andrew Olexander, 39, told the Victorian
Parliament that 80 people died on Victorian roads each year as a
direct result of alcohol. "When you have those sorts of statistics
you have to consider the effect this will have on the lives of the
individuals involved, on the lives of innocent people and their
families and friends," he said.
Two years later, at 5 am on July 2004 he crashed his taxpayer funded
car into three cars parked in a Port Melbourne street, including
an Alfa Romeo, a VW Golf and A Mitsubishi Galant, resulting in a
damage bill of more than $70,000 . Police attending the scene could
not get a proper breathalyzer reading out of the bit of air he puffed
so he was taken to St Kilda police station where bloodtesting revealed
a blood-alcohol reading above 0.15 - more than three times the legal
limit! He was also admitted to The Alfred hospital but soon after
he dashed from a back exit to a waiting car, he also resigned from
portfolio responsibilities as spokesperson for the arts, consumer
affairs and youth affairs ( though did not give up any pay entitlements).
Together with Jim Forbes, his secretary and gay lover that shares
his farm house and office, the pair kept raking in $190,000.- p.a..
Barnaby Joyce
Photo from aph.gov.au
Born on 17 April 1967 in Tamworth, NSW and worked
as a farm worker, rural banker and accountant until he was elected
to the Senate for Queensland in 2004 (his term began in July 2005)
with the Nationals. He became a sudden celebrity occupying a good
part of the daily TV news in September 2005 when John Howard wanted
to sell off the remaining half of Telstra and political parties
were 50/50 divided with Barnaby Joyce being in the middle as the
crucial vote. He managed to keep the deal on hold for some time
negotiating a better deal for people in "the bush", (as
Australia outside the cities is known). But when even the National
Farmers Federation approved the deal Barnaby could not hold it off
any longer and gave his Yes vote. In April 2006 he also came up
with the idea that Australia should start mining Antarctica before
another country would. Visit his official
website for more info.
Bill O'Chee
Bill O'Chee was the Nationals Senator for Queensland,
he started his career in politics at a young age and managed to
retire in his early thirties on well over a million dollars. Divided
his time and energy between politics and training his bobsleigh
techniques after hours on the ramps in the parking garage of Parliament
House.
Bob Brown
Tasmanian life-long activist, Tasmanian senator and
now Federal Senator Bob Brown is one of the few Australian politicians
to have spent time in jail, not for corruption as you would expect
from a politician, but for protecting the environment. As the director
of the Australian Wilderness Society he was one of the leading forces
to block the damming of the Franklin River in Tasmania in 1982 and
1983. 1500 people were arrested and 600 jailed, Bob was one of them
and spent 16 days in Risdon Prison, and was elected to Tasmanian
Parliament on the day of his release! The blockade was succesful
and the Franklin river was protected in 1983. Bob has introduced
many initiatives over the years, not all of them made it but he
tried to lower parliamentary salaries (how to make yourself unpopular
with the other politicians!), tried to ban semi-automatic weapons
seven years before the Port Arthur
massacre and overturned the law that made it a crime for gay
men to have sex in Tasmania. He has also been shot at, had his car
burned and been jailed twice for trying to stop the Tarkine wilderness
from being logged. He has been a driving force in the establishment
of the Australian Greens party and has written several books, the
latest one being 'Memo for a saner world' . He still tirelessly
campaigns as you can see on his website bobbrown.org.au
.
Bob was also removed from the parliamentary chamber by security
guards during a speech by U.S. president George W. Bush in October
2003, because he dared to open his mouth during the speech on free
speech!
Bob Hawke
Managed to combine the positions of Prime Minister
of Australia and a place in the Guinness Book of Records for beer
drinking. In 1955 he drank 2.5 pints of beer in 11 seconds at University
College, Oxford. He is also remembered for crying in public, dumping
his missus of 40 years and declaring that by 1990 no Australian
child will live in poverty. Now in 2003 the National Coalition Against
Poverty claims more than two million Aussies are living below the
poverty line, including 680,000 children. Also floated the dollar
in 1983 which crashed from U$90c to U$57c. He became the only Labor
Prime Minister to have been removed by his own party while still
in office, when successfully challenged by Paul Keating in December
1991. Before his political career when he was a union boss, he managed
to secure the release of Frank Sinatra from Sydney. Frank had made
the mistake of referring to Aussie journalists as 'two dollar hookers'
and union members laid siege to his room, refused to service his
room and airlines refused to fly him out, lucky Bob Hawke was there
to avoid a possible war between Australia and the U.S., anyone that
has seen the movie 'Crocodile Dundee' knows that we would have won
that anyway.
Recently Bob made the news with the brilliant idea to make Australia
the nuclear dump of the world, he reckoned we could make heaps of
money by storing nuclear waste, as Australia's ancient landmass
is so geologically stable (tell that to people in Newcastle). He
also commented after The Latham Diaries were published that he had
tried very hard to stop the Labor Party from choosing Mark as a
leader as he knew it was a disaster waiting to happen but he had
been unsuccesful.
This monument to Bob Hawke
stands in the Espanol Hotel
Not long before he became Prime Minister of Australia,
Bob Hawke told this joke to 700 people at a Melbourne dinner function;
The Indian PM Indira Gandhi was looking for a way to divert attention
from the political and economical mess of her government and one
of her staff suggested a national lottery. The idea was accepted,
the lottery was organized and the whole of India bought tickets
in the hope of winning one of the three mystery prizes.
The draw was done in a large stadium, watched by millions of people.
First the third prize was drawn; a first class ticket around the
world on Air India, the winner was pretty happy with this. Then
the second prize was drawn; a fruit cake. The second prize winner
was very unhappy, he loudly complained that the third prize was
better, and normally one would expect the second prize to be larger
than the third.
The compere explains; oh, but this is a very special fruit cake,
it was baked by Mrs. Gandhi! To which the winner replies; F%#*!
Mrs. Gandhi! The compere; oh no, that is first prize!
The Indian High Commissioner was not impressed.....
Don Chipp
Don Chipp
Passed away in August 2006 but used to be a popular
politician who entered parliament in 1960, first as a Liberal but
later founded a new political party; the Australian Democrats. He
promised to" keep the bastards honest" , took control
of the Senate and changed the way politics was done in Australia.
In an interview on Andrew Denton's TV show Enough Rope in March
2004 he said he believed George Bush is one of the great liars of
all time (what's new?) but also that he had told lies about Vietnam,
had Liberal Party members visiting his office where his secretary
would show them banned porn movies and he used to have sexual fantasies
about the Queen!
Fiona Simpson
Queensland Nationals MP Fiona Simpson hung a string
of red bras on the front gates of Queensland Parliament, assisted
by some other women, to protest against amalgamation of councils.
Speaker Mike Reynolds was not impressed and ordered the Sergeant-at-Arms
to do something about it.
Gough Whitlam
Ruled Australia in the early 1970s for three years
and is most remembered for getting the Labor Party in power for
the first time in a very long time, ending conscription and bringing
the boys home from Vietnam, erasing the last remains of the White
Australia Policy, starting up national health insurance, spending
$1.3 million of taxpayers money on a painting, replacing 'God Save
The Queen' with a new National Anthem, stuffing up the economy and
borrowing lots of money overseas and finally being dumped by Governor
General John Kerr.
(Australia is still connected to the British empire and the Queen's
representative the Governor General is officially the most powerful
person in Australia, normally they stay in the background, drink
champagne at public functions and just quietly absorb lots of tax
payers dollars while Aussies don't even know they exist but occasionally
they make the news by sacking a Prime Minister or getting involved
in a child sex abuse scandal.)
Harold Holt
Harold Holt was in office for less than two years
from January 1966 to December 1967, when he became the only Australian
prime minister to completely disappear without a trace, while swimming
at Cheviot beach in Portsea near Melbourne, Victoria on 17 December
1967. Theories to explain this mystery vary from shark attack to
heart attack to being kidnapped or assassinated by CIA scuba divers
launched from a U.S. submarine. While a variety of theories have
been expounded about Holt's disappearance, the Commonwealth Government
did not deem a formal inquiry necessary, accepting the conclusions
of the Police report.
Bizarrely enough the Stonnington City Council in Victoria has named
their swimming
centre after him ( you would think a swimming centre would be
named after swimming heroes like Ian Thorpe or Dawn Fraser, not
after somebody who went for a swim and drowned.....)
Kim Beazley
While he was the leader of the opposition he made
daily TV appearances criticizing John Howard and his government.
No matter what John and his colleagues decided, it was wrong and
Kim wanted to have it the opposite way. One day when he was doing
his daily routine bagging Howard's policies a reporter said to him;
and what are your policies, what do you stand for? Kim wavered for
a moment, probably thinking to himself; Jesus, I never thought about
that, and then came out with; eh, better roads, better schools....
Yes, wouldn't we all like to see that, but how do we pay for it?
Some time later he was replaced by Simon Crean who also didn't get
very far, so he was replaced with Mark Latham
again. But after Mark spectacularly lost the 2004 elections and
after that also got pancreatitis the party needed to replace him
and would you believe it, for lack of other candidates they re-recycled
Kim Beazley again! Kim also got a mention in Mark
Lathams's book the Latham Diaries; indecent, dirty dog, stands
for nothing and does nothing.
Jodie Moore
The huge billboard
Photo from jodiemoore.org
|
Jodie also considered becoming
the Mayor of Brisbane
|
Jodie Moore was born in Woodridge, Queensland on 11
April 1976. In 2002 she was awarded a Venus Award for Best Adult
Actress in the U.S.A. She first ran for a seat in her local state
legislator seat of Woodridge in March 2001 where she achieved 5%
of the primary vote. She also ran for the federal seat of Ryan and
the federal senate in 2004 and was interviewed by Sixty Minutes
and other T.V. and Newspapers. Jodie Moore began her first large
scale promotion with the launch of Australia's largest billboard
advertisement, unveiled at 11 am Tuesday the 2nd of March, but it
was almost immediately pulled down by Main Roads Department. Over
700 Queenslanders joined "Jodie Moore's Porn Star Party"
in just 3 days, giving her way more than the required 500 members
to register as a political party with the electoral commission.
You could read her policies on jodiemoore.org , which is now no
longer on-line, but it is still on her other website jodiemoore.com.
A very enterprising young lady, how many Aussie politicians run
an online
adult shop or have starred in porn movies like Anal
Demolition, Blimey What A Hiney, or Muff To The Max?
Joh Bjelke Petersen
Joh Bjelke Petersen
Johannes Bjelke-Petersen was born in Dannevirke, New
Zealand in 1911, as the son of a Danish-born Lutheran pastor. He
was elected as the Country Party member for Nanango in 1947 and
took another 21 years to become premier, and was a shrewd and often
ruthless politician. He got voted back in a record seven times and
ruled over Queensland from 1968 for a period of 19 years in a time
when corruption was rife, but finally he was forced to step down
amid a corruption scandal that led to police commissioner Terry
Lewis and several cabinet ministers being put away in jail. Joh
was charged with perjury but not convicted as the jury, headed by
a Young National Joh supporter, failed to reach a unanimous decision.
He is remembered for many things, amongst them his controversial
stand against World Heritage listings, electrification and modernisation
of the Queensland rail network, turning Queensland into a strong
economy, the building of the Wivenhoe and Burdekin Dams, abolishing
death duties, opening Japanese markets for the Bowen coal when many
people still had not forgiven Japan for their behaviour in World
War 2, appointing the first woman, Yvonne Chapman, to Cabinet, the
Gateway Bridge, disregard for civil liberties, staging of the 1982
Commonwealth Games and World Expo 88, and the demolition of the
historic Bellevue Hotel in Brisbane. He was knighted in the early
80s and lost the premiership in 1987 after the Fitzgerald inquiry
into widespread police and political corruption in Queensland after
which his own National Party colleagues voted him out of office.
Under his rule thousands of hectares of ancient rainforest in the
Daintree was allowed to be subdivided into small lots without proper
infrastructure, creating problems and controversy that still run
today. He also made an unsuccesful bid to become Prime Minister.
In later years he lived on a farm where buses took people on super-exciting
daytours to look around, eat Lady Flo's biscuits and buy pet-rocks
made by his grand son. On days that the old Joh was feeling strong
enough he came outside and you could even shake his hand! He also
filed a compensation claim of no less than $353 million from the
Queensland government for damages arising from the Fitzgerald corruption
inquiry and his 1991 perjury trial.
July 2004: Joh has just been to hospital and not in the best of
health, which led a protestor to stand outside Parliament to urge
the government NOT to give Joh a state funeral when he carks it
as this should be reserved for people who are of good character
and have done lots of good things in life.
24 March 2005: At the grand old age of 94 Joh has passed away, survived
by his 84 year old wife Lady Flo Bjelke Petersen.
John Brogden
John Brogden was born on 28 March 1969 and is married
to Lucy, he has been State Member for Pittwater since 1996 and was
the leader of the Liberal Party in New South Wales and could have
become Premier of the state. Until in August 2005 he had a few beers
at a party and called Ex-Premier Bob Carr's Malaysian-born wife
a mail-order bride and allegedly pinched a female journalist's bottom,
his career as party leader then came to an abrupt halt with his
resignation a couple of days later and an unsuccesful suicide attempt
soon after. He also made a good judge at bikini girl competitions
in north Sydney. Has someone got some pics of that to post on this
page?
John Howard
Prime Minister John Howard
Photo from Johnhowardlies.com
The greatest leader ever (according to Steve Irwin).
Entered Parliament in 1974 and when he was re-elected in 2004 he
overtook Bob Hawke and became the country's second longest serving
prime minister, only Sir Robert Menzies served longer at 18 years.
To beat this John would have had to stay until 2014, but in the
2007 elections he had to move over for opposition leader Kevin Rudd.
The defeat was of such proportions that John even lost in his own
electorate!
In May 1995 he said; "There's no way that a GST will ever be
part of our policy. Never ever. It's dead. It was killed by the
voters in the last election. Any suggestion that I left the door
open is absolute nonsense. I didn't. I never will. The last election
killed the GST. It's not part of our policy and it won't be part
of our policy at any time in the future. "
About three years later, under huge oppositon, he pushed the GST
through! Despite his claims that it only replaced other now abolished
sales taxes there were a lot of things that never had tax on them,
like building materials so all new houses were now 10% more expensive
which sent the building industry into a crisis which needed a multi-million
dollar bail out and also tampons became more expensive which united
women from all over the country in protests to no avail. The government
spent $100 million in Australia's biggest advertising campaign ever
to try and convince the nation of the benefits of GST and how it
is going to work.
On 11 September 2001 he found himself two blocks away from the Pentagon
when a plane hit it, leading to him becoming very emotional and
immediately declaring Australia was behind the U.S. and later sending
troops to Afghanistan and Iraq despite huge opposition from his
constituents. A year later when 182 people, mainly Australians,
died in the bombing of the Sari Club in Bali many Australians saw
that as the price we paid for going to Afghanistan. Osama bin Laden
still warns Australia from time to time that we're on his hitlist.
Despite all this bending over backwards to American demands White
House officials hardly seem to know his name as in October 2003
some White House documents listed him as John Mayor (an ex-U.K.
prime minister). This didn't stop John from throwing a $25000.-
barbeque for George W. Bush on a flying visit to Australia a few
weeks later, earlier that day several senators, including Bob Brown,
were removed by security staff for opening their mouths during George
W.Bush's speech on free speech and freedom. Early 2004 his opponent
Mark Latham came up with the brilliant idea to cancel the ridiculously
generous super-annuation scheme for politicians, this would have
got him lots of votes so John took the idea and abolished the super
scheme himself, though only several weeks later news broke that
salary rises were planned to compensate for this change so really
nothing has changed, and they now get their money even earlier as
they don't have to wait for retirement. Early 2004 John saw his
troop commitment to Iraq rewarded by getting a step closer to a
free trade agreement with the U.S.
US film maker Michael Moore on John Howard; what's confusing to
me is how can someone like John Howard get in bed with George W.
Bush, he at least appears to have half a brain....
John Howard has also inspired others to create websites like Johnhowardlies.com
and Defeathoward.com
and he inspired Queensland artist Tim Patch to paint a portrait
of him. Tim is not your average artist, he uses his penis as a paint
brush...
A penis-portrait of John Howard
Image from Tim Patch's website Penileart.com
John has resisted calls for a long time to apologize
for the treatment of Aborigines in the past, he agrees that the
treatment was appalling but says he was not there and had no involvement
in it so can not say sorry for this. In 2003 an unsuccesful assassination
attempt was made by an Aboriginal woman who stood near him for some
time staring at him and "pointing the bone" at him, in
Aboriginal culture this means you will soon die, but years later
he is still happily strutting around.
In 2005 it was revealed that in the previous financial year he had
spent more than $500 a week on alcohol at his two official residences,
The Lodge and Kirribilli House, a total of 27,196 taxpayers dollars
for the year! He admitted to enjoying a drink but said most of it
goes in to official functions.
This was still small change compared to the maintenance bill of
these two houses, from 1996 till 2007 the total came to nearly $20
million, of which $1.2 million was spent just on gardening around
the Kirribilli house! Must be some bloody nice gardens....
Other useless trivia; he stand 178 cm. tall, is a Christian, does
not like pokies, one of his favourite movies is 'On the waterfront'
and a house a couple of doors down from his official Kirribilly
residence was suspected of being a nudist bed and breakfast.
According to the 2005 Durex Global Sex Survey some Australians find
their politicians sexy, believe it or not but 22 % said they found
Treasurer Peter Costello sexy but only 5 per cent said John Howard
was sexy.
May 2006: John visited his mate George W.Bush again and George even
put on an official state dinner for John, something that had only
happened seven times during his presidency, and on Mothersday even
popped in to the Aussie embassy where George and John did some gardening
together and planted a couple of trees! The following night the
US energy minister approached John about storing some nuclear waste
in Australia but thank god he said no to this! Rupert Murdoch was
also attending some of the partying, and he offered John a bit of
advice; retire now! John didn't, not even in July when Treasurer
Peter Costello wanted him to move on, claiming that back in 1994
they had struck a deal that John would vacate his position for him
so Australia would have Peter Costello as a Prime Minister, but
John stringently denied to media that such a deal had ever been
discussed. It took a landslide election for John to lose his job
to Kevin Rudd, to the extent that John even lost in his own electorate!
Kevin Rudd
Kevin Rudd
Born on 21 September 1957 in Nambour, Queensland,
grew up on a dairy farm in nearby Eumundi, and became the 26th Prime
Minister of Australia on 3 December 2007. The Labor Party had finally
realized that they were never ever going to win any election with
the likes of Kim Beazley or Mark Latham and had chosen Kevin Rudd
as their leader, with spectacular success, Kevin beat his rival
John Howard to the extent that John even lost in his own electorate!
Not bad considering Mark Lathams's assessment of him in the
book The Latham Diaries; "treacherous, nasty piece of work,
addicted to the media and leaking. A junior minister in government,
at best."
Kevin joined the Australian Labor Party in 1972, at the age of 15,
studied at the Australian National University in Canberra, and graduated
with First Class Honours in Arts (Asian Studies). He majored in
Chinese language and history, became proficient in Mandarin, and
acquired a Chinese alias, Lù Kèwén.
In 1981,he married Thérèse Rein with whom he has three
children, and in this year he also joined the Department of Foreign
Affairs, where he served until 1988. He made his first speech to
the Australian Parliament in November 1998 and was promoted to the
Opposition front bench after the 2001 election and appointed Shadow
Minister for Foreign Affairs. In this role, he strongly criticised
the Howard government over its support for the United States in
the 2003 invasion of Iraq and subsequent operations there, while
maintaining Labor's position of support for the Australian-American
alliance.
In 2007 news popped up that while he was Shadow foreign affairs
minister in 2003 he had been spotted in New York strip club 'Scores'
in September while he was on a tax payer funded representing Australia
at a UN convention, and some reports even claimed that he and Warren
Snowdon had to be told by management to keep their hands off the
dancers.
Kevin settled this issue with a brilliant Aussie excuse; I don't
know, I was too drunk too remember...
Rudd announced he and wife Therese will live in The Lodge, the Prime
Minister's official residence in Canberra, and only use Kirribilli
House while on official business in Sydney, John Howard had always
preferred to live in Sydney, reportedly clocking up a bill of $7
million in private jet rides to Canberrra over the length of his
term in office.
On 3 December 2007, Rudd was sworn in as Prime Minister by the Governor-General,
Major General Michael Jeffery. Unlike his Labor predecessors, Rudd
did not swear allegiance to the Queen of Australia, but promised
instead to "well and truly serve the Commonwealth of Australia
and her people."
Contrary to his pre-decessor he will say sorry to the Aboriginal
population, although he has already warned that that does not mean
huge compensation payouts. He promised tough action on the Japanese
whaling in Australian waters but copped criticism when this promise
was not followed up with all that much vigour, and he signed the
Kyoto agreement on his first day in office. As a Christian he is
also opposed to same-sex marriage, though has said he will not block
the ACT Government plans to allow same-sex marriages.
Kirsty Marshall
Kirsty Marshall
Only recently elected to parliament, Kirsty Marshall
was barred from breast feeding her 10-day-old baby in the chamber
of Victoria state's parliament Wednesday after officals ruled the
child was a "stranger in the house" because the child
hadn't been elected to parliament and so was not an individually
elected member. The sergeant-at-arms immediately told Marshall her
behaviour was unacceptable and escorted both mother and child from
the chamber.
Len Kiely
Len became minister for the environment in the Northern
Territory in November 2007, despite protests from the politically
correct crowd. He had just spent a year on the back bench for telling
a 62 year old female security guard that he had a very long tongue
and could make her a very happy woman, while he was pissed on taxpayer
funded alcohol.
The local newspaper NT News had a field day recycling the old scandal,
together with another new minister Matt Bonson who was infamous
for punchups and urinating in public.
Malcolm Fraser
Sometimes people get caught with their pants down,
Malcolm Fraser was caught with his pants missing! Long before Bill
Clinton rocked the world with the most famous blowjob of all times
Australia's Prime Minister at the time Malcolm Fraser managed to
make headlines in 1986 by wandering around a Memphis hotel lobby
in a dazed state with his trousers missing. He had met a lady at
the bar the night before who had drugged and robbed him. It was
not reported whether he actually got lucky before passing out.
He also banned whaling in Australian waters in 1979 for which he
was later honoured by the Australian Conservation Foundation on
the 25th anniversary of the whaling ban in April 2004.
Marcus Ehrlich
In September 2005 Marcus Ehrlich was voted deputy Mayor of the
NSW town of Woollahra at the age of only 22!!
Mark Latham
Mark Latham was the Federal Member for Werriwa from
1994 to 2005 but suddenly rose to national fame when the Labor Party,
realizing they were never going to win an election with Simon Crean
and could not possibly re-re-recycle Kim Beazley again, elected
him as their leader. John Howard's party had a field day digging
up old quotations of Mark Latham which included; " George W.Bush
is the most dangerous and incompetent president in living memory"
, "John Howard is an arselicker" and the event where he
had punched a taxi driver. Before actually starting work he spent
a few days going around places like the American Embassy to apologize
and assure people we should look at the future and not the past.
Seemed to do well right at the start and at one time had a 66% approval
rating. He had also been a critic of the Northern Territory railway
but when it opened he withdrew his criticism.
In June 2004 Mark Latham, thinking he'd win green
votes AND youth votes at the same time, thought it would be a good
idea if rockstar / environmentalist Peter Garrett would join his
political party, but the rest of the country, including most of
his own Labor party, thought it was a really bad idea, especially
when it was discovered that Peter had not even voted for the last
ten years and was not even a member of the Labor party. In July
he acccused the Howard government of employing a 'dirt-unit' orchestrating
a pre-election smear campaign when one accusation after the other
hit the news headlines; his ex-wife told media how Mark cheated
on her with another woman, a man who had come into his office to
complain about potplants out the front was punched in the head etc.
He copped lots of criticism for sticking to his 'bring the troops
home from Iraq by Christmas' promise, also from the US. Managed
to insert some more conditions into the Free Trade Agreement that
John Howard was trying to negotiate with the US though this held
it up and now, just after the 2004 elections, the Americans are
trying to re-negotiate things again and the FTA has not passed yet.
During an interview he admitted to having smoked dope and, contrary
to Bill Clinton, said that he did inhale, though did not want to
elaborate on whether he enjoyed it.
Despite all his best efforts to gain popularity he
was defeated in a major way in the October 2004 federal elections
as most of the nation thought he was way too inexperienced to be
put in charge of a country. An advertising campaign by the Liberals
who kept on highlighting how a council in Sydney had descended into
financial chaos while Mark was mayor there may have had something
to do with this. Not too much later he suffered from pancreatitis
and quit his job as party leader. The Labor Party now needed a new
leader and re-re-recycled Kim Beazley once more. Mark also has a
habit of not showing up at court hearings relating to him allegedly
attacking photographer Ross Schultz and destroying his $9000.- camera
in January 2006. In Mark's defence we must note that the photographer
was a nuisance jumping on him as he left a fast food restaurant
and invading his privacy.
In 2006 Mark's book 'The Latham Diaries' hit the shops,
in this book he manages to insult just about every senior Labor
politician, from the current party leader Kim Beazley all the way
back to Gough Whitlam.
John Howard's party thought this book was the best thing since sliced
bread and they thoroughly enjoyed it. Mark Latham is the author
of five other books on Australian public policy, including Civilising
Global Capital (1998) and From the Suburbs (2003). Some highlights
of the Latham Diaries include;
- Richard Butler; has not resigned as Governor of Tasmania but was
sacked for getting pissed at the Royal wedding in Denmark.
- Kevin Rudd; treacherous, nasty piece of work, addicted to the
media and leaking. A junior minister in government, at best.
- Kim Beazley; indecent, dirty dog, stands for nothing and does
nothing.
- Amanda van Stone; junkfood guts.
- Bob McMullan; combover.
- Bob Carr; A grade asshole.
After the book had been published Bob Hawke commented that he had
tried very hard to stop the Labor Party from choosing Mark as a
leader as he knew it was a disaster waiting to happen.
Milton Orkopoulos
Ex-New South Wales MP, Aboriginal affairs minister, and Labor frontbencher
Milton Orkopoulos was found guilty on 28 sex and drug counts in
2008, he used to offer teenage boys cannabis and then have sex with
them when the drugs took effect.
Mike Berwick
Mike Berwick
Mike Berwick was one of the hippies that protested
in the 1984 Bloomfield Track Blockade at Cape
Tribulation, but when the battle was lost and the other greenies
left the area he stayed on and became editor of local newspaper
the Mossman Gazette, part time barramundi farmer, and mayor of the
Douglas Shire in 1991, and thanks to the lack of competition remained
so for 17 years.
Under his leadership the Douglas Shire Council kept the local newspaper
well filled with one controversy and blunder after the other, ratepayers
dollars were wasted on studies whose recommendations were rarely
followed up, a stream of expensive courtcases, an illegal ferry
tax that was ordered to be abolished by the Ombudsman, a ferry
debacle, an illegally (half)built $375,000
toilet block and a controversial townplan that stopped people
from building a house on their own freehold land.
His entire council was on the brink of being sacked several times
and being labelled as "dysfunctional" by the State Government
Minister, after several Crime and Misconduct inquiries the council's
CEO was sacked, and in August 2007 Local Government Minister Andrew
Fraser solved the problem of the dysfunctional council by amalgamating
the Douglas Shire with Cairns Shire so Mike and the other six councillors
can go and look for a new job.
Although the state wide shire amalgamation had mainly
been for the purpose of eliminating financially troubled shires
this amalgamation was the perfect opportunity for the State Government
to once and for all get rid of the dysfunctional council that had
wasted so much of their time over the years with one inquiry after
the other, even though the Douglas Shire was financially quite healthy.
One of the issues that frustrated residents north of the Daintree
river over the years is that Mike Berwick was against providing
mains electricity to their houses so they have to survive with noisy
generators and solar panels that don't work well in a rainforest,
while there is a cable across the Daintree river providing electricity
to Mike Berwick and his neighbours!
Opinions on Mike are very divided, some think he is a hero for saving
the Daintree with his radical townplan, others hate him intensely
for having severely restricted people's rights to build on their
own freehold land.
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Boaties look out, don't hit Mike's powerline
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Natasha Stott Despoja
In 1995 she became the youngest woman to ever enter
federal parliament in Australia, and to lead a political party.
And in 2003, after serving two four year terms with the Democrats,
also became the youngest politician to qualify for a pension since
Nationals senator Bill O'Chee. At the age of 34, she was now eligible
for an indexed pension of $51,380 for life, but kept on going strong
as Senator for South Australia.
In October 2006, while she was preggo and had to be operated on
a complication, she evaluated her situation and decided to retire
when the next elections are up, to spend more time at home with
husband Ian Smith and son Conrad. This will make her one of Australia's
youngest parliamentary pensioners at the age of 37, qualifying for
an indexed pension for life of nearly $67,000 a year, boosted by
additonal allowances for spending 14 months as leader of the Democrats.
For more info see her official webpage....
Nigel Scullion
Nigel Scullion was appointed as Deputy Leader of the
Nationals in 2007. Not long after that reports hit the media that
once while he headed an Australian delegation to a national fisheries
conference in
St. Petersburg he ended up stripped to his underpants handcuffed
to a pole in a sleezy Russian nightclub. When asked about this he
made no silly excuses like Kevin Rudd who claimed to be too drunk
to remember anything about the New York strip club, he happily admitted
that this night had been one of the best nights of his life, and
he highly recommended to anyone never to refuse an offer to go drinking
with Icelandic whalers and Canadian crab fishermen.
Nick Adams
Forget about 22 year old Deputy Mayor Ehrlich above,
we have been advised that Nick Adams was voted to be the Deputy
Mayor of Ashfield on his 21st birthday!
Paul Keating
In the days that he was Prime Minister he managed
to seriously piss off Malaysia's Prime Minister Dr. Mahathir by
labelling him a "recalcitrant". Despite numerous calls
refused to apologize for this resulting to cancellations of billions
fo dollars of contracts and trade, even at his retirement in late
2003 Dr. Mahathir was still grumbling about it and according to
the Bangkok Post he had been instrumental in many Asian trade conferences
to block trade deals with Australia so it will never be possible
to calculate how many billions of dollars that one word has cost
Australia. This was not the only time he insulted somebody, you
can see some of his other insults here...
In 1986 he also managed to upset people at home by warning that
if they didn't work harder Australia would become a banana-republic
and created a recession that he said "we had to have".
Before he became Prime Minister and was still a treasurer under
Guiness Book of Records beer-drinking record holder Prime Minister
Bob Hawke he floated the Aussie dollar that crashed from U$90c to
U$57c but he reckons that this saved the country because otherwise
"it would have knocked the country int a cocked hat".
In 2004 his ex-wife told media how he she had been dumped by him
at a dinner party, he thought that dinner at a friend's house was
a suitable time and place to announce to his wife that he had decided
to break up with her!
Pauline Hanson
A fish and chips shop owner who rose to fame after
being elected in 1996, founding the political party One Nation in
1997 and expressing her rather radical views on Asian immigration
and Aboriginal welfare which caused huge embarrassment to Australia
in neighbouring Asian countries ans saw her expelled from the Liberal
Party, and her first parliamentary speech where she warned the country
of being swamped by Asians send a few shock waves around the country
and the world.
She later went on a downhill slide when investigations turned up
irregularities in the party's dealings like electoral fraud. Pauline
and her co-founder David Ettridge were convicted and put in jail
where they remained for three months until released after on their
third appeal in November 2003 the conviction for electoral fraud
was overturned. Ironically enough she had actively campaigned for
tougher sentencing before she got what she had asked for. Tony Abbott
came under some criticism after her release as he had been the driving
force behind the witch hunt raising the money for the legal representation
to put her in jail.
She was also the inventor of the phrase "please explain"
which found its way into the vocabulary of many Aussies, and she
has a musical son named Adam who recorded the song 'Innocence' to
raise funds for his mother's legal battles, you can buy it on Pauline's
official website www.paulinehanson.org.au
In July 2004 the nation became aware of her sexy 20 year old daughter
Lee when she modelled for Ralph men's magazine, dressed in a bikini
which had been chosen by Pauline, after several other (smaller)
ones had not been approved. Lee scored heaps better than her mother,
in a 2004 survey by FHM magazine Pauline was voted the least attractive
woman in Australia, followed by Senator Amanda Vanstone.
Although she had said once, when released from jail, that she would
have to have "rocks in her head" to ever join politics
again she still stood as an independent candidate again during the
October 2004 elections. Although she did not get enough votes to
re-start a political career she did get more votes by herself than
the entire Labour Party.
Mid 2007: Pauline has announced a come-back with Pauline's United
Australia Party, to be shown on the ballot papers as the abbreviation
Pauline. At the age of 53 she is not giving up and plans to re-enter
politics, but with a change of tactic, her main policy of the past
of warning the country of the danger of Asian immigration has now
shifted to calling for a ban on Muslim immigration.
January 2008: Kevin Rudd has promised a review of how political
parties get paid for their election campaign costs. At the moment
you get paid a $2.10 per vote and this has resulted in Pauline's
United Australia Party receiving $213,095.- , way more than what
she actually spent on her campaign.
Peter Slipper
Queensland Liberal Peter Slipper left the parliamentary
chamber for a quick visit to the toilet on December 12, 2002 . However,
after finishing his business in there he was unable to open the
door to return to the chamber. He unsuccessfully pushed and pulled
the door bit it would not move! Fortunately he had his mobile phone
on him and he rang fellow Liberal MP Peter Lindsay to organize a
rescue party to save him from his entrapment. Four security guards
left Australia's government in the parliamentary chamber unprotected
and vulnerable to terrorist attack and raced to the toilets to rescue
the imprisoned politician. They did not take long to resolve the
situation and calmly slid open the toilet door. He was in the toilet
for the disabled which has a sliding door! Speaker Neil Andrew said
MPs should sharpen their toilet know-how in time for the Christmas
party period.
Robert Menzies
Australia's longest serving Prime Minister, managed
to stay in his position for considerable time from 1949 till 1966.
Most remembered for introducing conscription, sending lots of young
Aussies to Vietnam ( quite a few went in hiding as well to avoid
going), keeping Aborigines under the thumb and for keeping Australia
white, prosperous and free of evils like communism and Asians. Later
became a Sir and wrote several books and has the Menzies
Foundation named after him.
Roy Smith
Roy Smith is MP for the NSW Shooters Party and he
reckons that children should start firearms training from age 10
and shooting programs should become part of school curriculums.
Stuart Highway
Mr. Stuart Highway
(he's a bit hard to see under all that police)
Mr Highway was one of seven candidates running for
mayor in the Darwin City Council elections on May 29 2004 and has
the idea to make Darwin the Amsterdam of Australia by legalizing
drugs. He says that once he gets the job of Lord Mayor he will accelerate
the Network Against Prohibition campaign for the re-legalisation
of all drugs that would attract thousands of tourists from all around
the globe. Cannabis will be sold from local cafes and other drugs
would be available from licensed sellers.
Stuart Highway was sentenced early October to 8 months jail for
his involvement in a Community Smoke-In held at Darwin in October
2002. The Smoke-in had been organised by the drug law-reform group
the Network Against
Prohibition (NAP), of which Mr Highway is a founding member.
NAP formed to oppose the Martin Government’s ‘drug
house’ legislation , this allows police to glue a 1.2
metre high fluro green poster on your front door declaring your
home a drughouse.
For more info on the 'Free Stuart Highway' campaign and on how you
can visit him in Berrimah Prison click
here...
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The Smoke-In that sent Mr. Highway to jail
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You know of (or are) an amazing Australian politician?
Then contact us!
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