Amazing Australian News

This page has news articles that caught our attention being a bit funny or interesting, to follow the daily news in Australia, not always as entertaining as the selection below, visit news.com.au or for more local news see the links below;

Attack of the brush turkey

In December 2003 the Gold Coast Bulletin reported that a middle-aged man was walking along a track in the Burleigh Heads National Park when he fell into a mating hole of a brush turkey who then approached the man and tried to bury him in a mating ritual.

The man spent some time in the hole until a passer-by saw him and alerted emergency services. Several fire crews attended the bizarre scene to pull the man from the hole who was left shaken but suffering only minor injuries. Queensland Parks and Wildlife ranger Sergio Norambuena said December was the mating season for brush turkeys when they build a massive mound or hole that can end up three metres wide and several metres high to attract the opposite sex and the mound is later used to incubate the eggs. A week ago signs warning people of wild turkeys were erected in the national park.

Baby levy

Associate Professor Barry Walters from Western Australia wants the Federal Government to cancel their $4133.- baby bonus and instead introduce a $5000-plus "baby levy" at birth and an annual carbon tax of up to $800 a child. He reckons every couple with more than two children should be taxed to pay for enough trees to offset the carbon emissions generated over each child's lifetime.

Body in a barrel

Fred Boyle had been telling everyone for 23 years that his wife had left him for another bloke.
But in 2006 his son in law was doing a clean-up around the house and once again asked him what was in that 44 gallon drum that had been sitting around for years. As usual Fred told him that it was a drum of glue for laying carpet but the son in law was not happy with this explanation and decided to cut the drum open. Much to his surprise he lifted a leg bone out of a sticky substance and found women's clothing inside.
For 23 years Fred had kept his wife in a drum in the backyard!

Camel drives around airport

David Cox was sitting in a Qantas plane in Sydney waiting for it to take off and fly him to Melbourne when some passengers looked out of the plane's windows, amused at a camel driving the luggage out to the plane. David was less amused as the baggage handler was wearing a camel head taken out of his luggage and complained to management, a very embarrassed Qantas sacked one of their baggage handlers over this incident. Meanwhile Schapelle Corby's lawyers were in Indonesia telling the judges ' you see, the baggage handlers get into your luggage all the time'.

Copycat or copycut

In June 2003 Australian miner Colin Jones, 43, was working alone underground and overturned his tractor. He was trapped underneath and, probably having fresh memories of the American rock climber that made international headlines two months earlier by cutting his own arm off, immediately got his knife out and cut his arm off!
Though the American might have had good reason to as he was a long way into the bush and had run out of water many people asked about this one why he didn't just wait till he would be missed at the end of his shift by his colleagues and they'd come looking for him.

Corrupt cop gets $600,000.-

In February 2004 State Opposition in Victoria called for a change in the law to prevent corruption being rewarded when news came out that a detective who did drug deals with criminals had been allowed to resign with a superannuation payout of almost $600,000. of which about $500,000 will be paid by taxpayers. Another 34 members of Victoria Police facing criminal charges for drug offences, rape, assaults and thefts may also get full superannuation - totalling millions of dollars - even if they are convicted.

Crocodile attacks

On a regular basis you can read about crocodile attacks in the Australian newspapers, this is one of the more spectacular ones;

October 2004; A group of three Brisbane families were on their annual 4WD camping holiday to far north Queensland where every year for the past five years they had camped at Bathurst Bay, about 250 km. north of Cooktown.
Diane and Andrew Kerr and their three month old baby were sleeping in their tent on the beach when they were woken up by a noise, Diane looked through the netting of the tent and said; there's a croc! As Andrew rose the 4.2 metre crocodile lunged forward, grabbed him by the legs and started dragging him away. His concern was still with the baby that slept in the tent with them and while he was in the crocodile's jaws he kept yelling 'GET THE BABY! GET THE BABY!' His wife grabbed the cot with the baby in one hand and held on to her husband's hand with the other but the 300 kg. crocodile continued to drag him outside the tent. 60 year old grandmother Alicia Sorohan and her husband Bill were camping nearby and when they heard the screams they rushed over to find their friend Andrew being dragged towards the sea. The supergranny then leaped on the crocodile's head, causing him to let go of Andrew but now the crocodile turned on her, grabbing her by the arm. Fortunately Alicia's son Jason had now appeared on the scene who had a gun and he shot the crocodile through the head. They then set off a rescue beacon that alerted Queensland Parks and Wildlife Service rangers in the area who sent a helicopter to evacauate them to an airport from where the Royal FLying Doctors could fly them to Cairns hospital. Andrew had injuries to his legs and body and was believed to be in a serious condition, while Alicia had injuries to her arm and upper body and face. The male crocodile was estimated to be about fifty years old. More crocodile attacks....

And some recent ones;

After cyclone Monica swept across the Northern Territory in April 2006 a few trees were down so Fred Buckland went to work at Corroboree Park near Darwin to remove a tree that was leaning against the enclosure of a crocodile named Brutus. Much to his surprise the 4.5 metre crocodile emerged from his pond and at high speed ran towards him and grabbed the chainsaw out of his hands! It was not clear if the croc had actually tried to attack Fred or was just annoyed with the noise but after Fred escaped the croc kept chewing on the chainsaw for over an hour until it was well and truly rooted.

You know you're having a bad day when you get bitten by a crocodile and get shot all in the same day....

Thirty year old Jason Green was out collecting eggs at Marrakai Station near Darwin in January 2008.
Just as Jason stuck his arm in the nest to pick up some eggs the owner of the eggs shot out of the mud and lashed out at him. The croc got a good grip on his arm and was thrashing about trying to drag him underwater but fortunately Jason's colleague Zac Fitzgerald was there with a gun to save the day, just a bit unfortunate that in all the splashing around the shot also hit Jason in the right elbow.
Jason was helicoptered to Darwin hospital for treatment with bite wounds, gunshot wound, and suspected broken bone in his arm. His comments; I don't think I'll be at work for a couple of days....

Cross dressing Santa

In December 2007 Melbourne police received a call that a middle aged men in women's underwear and wearing a Santa hat was harrassing people. When police arrived on the scene a short chase resulted in the man jumping from the 15th floor of the building and he subsequently died.

Darwin bombing

Tony Travers, also known as Datto, next to the rooted Toyota 4WD
that was bombed in an airforce blunder in 2000

Darwin has been bombed quite a bit during World War Two but the most recent one happened during Operation Pitch Black exercise at 9.15 Pm on August 3, when a dummy missile fell off an airforce bomber. At the time Tony Travers was preparing a BBQ for himself at his workplace and residence at # 2 Strath Road, Berrimah ( Datto's Rust Repairs), which unfortunately has gone out of business since then due to all this.

This is Tony's eye witness account of the event;

All hell broke loose when a AIM-7-CATM { Captive Air Training Missile } fell off a FA-18 Hornet
as it prepared to land at Darwin airport During Operation Pitch Black on 3 August 2000.
It landed 20 metres from me and hit a 1974 Toyota Landcruiser directly at the rear of my shed.
The ensuing destruction as the 250 Kg -12 foot Missile hit the Tojo at approximately 500 Kph shook the dust out of the roof of the shed as it sent a shockwave tearing through the shed.
The Boom was like a thunderclap directly overhead ,, Very Very Loud,,, It scared the Crap out of me,,, { And My 2 Red Heeler Dogs } Upon doing a search around the shed I found 1/2 of the Missile protruding out of the ground beside the Now Destroyed Toyota,, Absolute Awesome Damage ,, The Guidance Fin had cut the windscreen like a Bullet going through a playing card and the engine had been Smashed into a thousand pieces ,, You could see the pistons and internals of the motor everywhere,, Totally Destroyed !!! Diff ,, Chassi ,, Cab ,, Gearbox ,, Everything in its path,, { It Probably hit # 5 Cylinder Causing a massive backfire }
Upon Seeing this with my torch I literally Shit myself and uttered F#*K many times over, Knowing that another 2 metres further towards where I was standing and I wouldn't have had a chance ,, It would have Creamed Me and the contents of my workshop,,,
The other 1/2 that broke off on impact smashed into another 3 cars before hitting a fence,, and coming to rest next to my Nissan Patrol Mudracer , The Re Occuring Dreams of this incident are still haunting me to this day ,,,therefore being the subject of a Law Suit that is still going on ,, and
,, on ,,

Tony is still in a court case with the airforce, it took a long time before they coughed up part of the money for the three cars of Tony's customers that were damaged, and his rust repair business of 14 years has gone bankrupt.

Here are three pics of the carnage that Tony shot that disastrous night in August 2000, showing the missile and the totally rooted Toyo. ( Click pics to enlarge)

As if Tony didn't have enough bad luck being bombed he also got done for drink driving in 2004. The judge was not convinced by his defence that after surviving the 2000 bombing he had to drink during every airforce exercise to keep his stress levels down and handed him a prison sentence.

Tony is still in a legal battle with the airforce, next courtcase will be in April 2005, keep watching this site as Tony will keep us up to date...

Don't buy Telstra shares

In July 2005 Telstra hired a new boss, Sol Trujillo, freshly flown in from the USA. Very soon he found himself in heated arguments with the Australian Government that was trying to sell Telstra, and Sol did not like the restrictions and conditions that were being placed on Telstra to ensure services in remote areas would be guaranteed, as he saw them cutting into the profits too much. He then managed to seriously piss off John Howard by telling reporters that he "WOULD NOT RECOMMEND TO BUY TELSTRA SHARES TO HIS MOTHER" , a bit of a strange thing to say for a company director. And the shares did see a good drop that year. Questions were also asked in Canberra why Sol was paid nearly $10 million for his first year at work, when share prices had dropped and most of the restructuring work had been done by another agency that Sol had hired for the princely sum of $85 million.

Do not resuscitate

Emergency medicine specialist Albert Cutter has done many resuscitations in his career and says that the ones that survive that are OK without any problems are not more than six per cent, so he has given himself an 80th birthday present with a difference – he's had DO NOT RESUSCITATE tattooed across his chest!

Finger food

Aussie bloke Greg Black, of the Sunshine Coast went to Thailand on holidays in October 2004 and after drinking a few beers in a Pattaya bar decided to feed a passing elephant. Usually you hold the food out and the elephant will take it with his trunk and put it in his mouth, but Greg bypassed this step and put the food directly in the elephant's mouth. Not a good idea as the elephant bit his finger off !

Forty years without a driving licence!

In February 2004 Max Raymond Ryan from Darwin had been enjoying a few drinks with friends but unfortunately when driving home damaged a car. This led police to go and have a chat to him but when they asked for his drivers licence he told the stunned agents; licence, never had one, never seen the need. He had been driving for forty years without a drivers licence! He was sentenced to $420.- and disqualified from driving for 12 months!

Gay politicians & partners on taxpayer paid holidays

December 2003: Great news for Australian tax payers; we can now also pay for gay politicians to take their partners on holidays! A change in the rules covering Territory politicians taking taxpayer-funded travel will allow gay MPs to go overseas with their partners, before only relationships between men and women were recognised.

Hospital visit from hell

53 Year old Perth woman Lynnett Hide went to hospital in March 2001 to get a cyst removed. Things didn't go according to plan, she developed an infection, complications arose and when she finally returned home again it was 642 days, 29 operations, one cardiac arrest and an estimated $1 million dollars later!

Human starfish

Late March 2004 Port Douglas police got called out on a saturday night to remove a man who had bought a pizza, and after eating half of it, undressed and layed down stark naked like a starfish on a footpath in the main street and passed out.

John Edward at Steve Irwin's zoo

On 5 January 2008 a crowd of 4500 people paid $90.- each to get in to a show at the Australia Zoo where controversial American psychic John Edward was supposed to make contact with the deceased Steve Irwin. You guessed it, nothing happened....
The American cartoon show South Park has devoted a whole show to John Edward in which he wins the award of Biggest Douche In The Universe, beating several douche contestants from other galaxies.

Mackay airport terrorism scare

In October 2004 staff at the cafetaria in Mackay regional airport noticed a humming sound coming out of of one of the rubbish bins. Authorities swung into action and the entire terminal was evacuated and the bomb squad called in, only to discover a vibrator happily humming away!

Mango madness

One year the mango trees in Brisbane's suburban gardens fruited that prolific that council called on residents to compost the mangoes in their gardens rather than put them in the wheelie bin as the garbage trucks were breaking their axles under the load.

No-electricity-mayor electrocutes himself

Call it ironic, call it karma, but many residents of the Daintree / Cape Tribulation area had a good laugh about this. For years there has been debate about whether to extend mains power north of the Daintree river. The state government stepped in to subsidize solar power but being in a rainforest with plenty of trees and rain this is obviously a far from ideal solution. Ironically enough, while most residents are forever mucking around with generators, fuel, new batteries, gas fridges etc. the mayor of the shire, who tells people mains power would be bad for the environment, lives north of the Daintree river and enjoys being connected to mains electricity! So when he electrocuted himself in September 2004 many residents, that are being denied the convenience of mains electricity, had a good laugh and even said it was a shame someone had been around to revive the mayor, who survived the zap.

Penis blocking the footpath

In the town of Yamba, New South Wales, size does matter. A 1.8 metre high Balinese fertility statue woodcarving has been outside the Yamba Pawnbrokers and Second Hand Goods store for seven years but new residents have been whingeing to the council that the 30 cm. erect penis is offensive and is blocking the footpath. First they had complained to police but they responded that they did not have the power to move the statue. So next the Clarence Valley Council sent out a surveyor to take measurements of the penis. The surveyors report concluded that the statue's penis intruded one whole centimetre on council land and his owner Mr. Barry Adams has been advised he might be taken to court by the council. Clarence Valley Council acting general manager Ken Boyce said no decision had been made so far as he was still waiting to receive the report on the statue's dimensions from the surveyor commissioned to carry out the job.

Pissed politicians

After Andrew Bartlett made national headlines in December 2003 with his drunken behaviour in parliament the nation was treated to another pissed politician furore in March 2004. The Green Party in the New South Wales government was fed up with the behaviour of some of their colleagues and moved a motion to to prevent inebriated MPs from entering the upper house. You would think this was fairly common sense stuff but the motion was defeated by the NSW Government and Opposition ! Only hours later in the same chamber Murray-Darling MP Peter Black grabbed at colleague Strathfield MP Virginia Judge while under the influence of alcohol, causing a furore after which he was "counselled" by Premier Bob Carr.

Port Arthur massacre video for sale

On April 28 1996, 28 year old Hobart resident Martin Bryant managed to kill no less than 35 people in the tourist town of Port Arthur, Tasmania. Well equipped with several semi-automatic rifles he started the killingspree in the Broad Arrow Cafe and ended up in Sea Scape Cottage with several hostages. Several years later a Tasmanian woman shopping at the recycle shop at the Hobart tip bought a 10 cent video which had 22 minutes of all the dead bodies in the cafe! An investigation was launched into how it was possible for this police video to end up in this place.

Pub on fire

Publican Bruce keeps an eye on the fire place during a cold winters day.

In June 2004 the Daly Waters Pub, 600kms. south of Darwin, caught fire one night and could have been destroyed had it not been for the efforts of its owners. The publicans ran to the house of volunteer bushfire brigade member David Stevenson, who keeps one of the township's fire trucks on his property. Amazingly enough he refused to help and said he was only trained to put out bushfires and not house fires, adding to this that ``he wouldn't help them anyway because they're a mob of bastards''. He told them to get in the fire truck and put out the blaze themselves. The fire caused $15,000 damage to the Daly Waters Pub but no historical memorabilia was destroyed in the blaze.
This did not go down well with other members of the community and a couple of days later David was bashed up by a gang of four men. He reported the incident to police but did not lodge a formal complaint, probably realizing he deserved it.

Rainfarm gone bust

When the news broke that a rainfarm, a facility that collects rainwater in funnels and then bottles it, was to be established near Tully, officially the wettest place in Australia, everyone thought that this was the ultimate goldmine. Imagine the surprise when several years later in 2004, it was announced that the rainfarm had gone bankrupt!

Salad slip

Salads are supposed to be good for you, but not for Lorraine Kartinyeri. When she was at the saladbar in Woolworths supermarket in Murray Bridge in 1995, she stepped on some spilled coleslaw salad, slipped and injured her back. Nine years later the case was finally settled and the full court of the Supreme Court told Woolworths to pay her her $96,564.15, plus costs and interest, for not having placed non-slip plastic mats around the self-serve salad bar.

$750.- taxi rides for train drivers

In April 2004 it was revealed that, due to health and safety regulations stating that train drivers need an 11-hour break away from a train at the end of their working fortnight, Rail Corp in New South Wales regularly sends drivers home in a taxi on distances that cost taxpayers as much as $750 a fare!

Snakes on the move

Veteran snake catcher Rex Neindorf has bagged five venomous reptiles in the past week in houses and yards around Alice Springs. He said hot weather in the mid-30s to the low 40s in had forced the snakes to become active and move about. In an average january month he catches 90 to 100 snakes and between 350 and 500 a year, all in Alice Springs. Mr Neindorf, who owns the Alice Springs Reptile Park, is contracted by Parks and Wildlife to catch snakes in the town from August to May. Western browns, whip snakes and mulga snakes are the most common ones caught but occasionally we catch an eastern brown, which is the second deadliest snake in Australia,'' he said. Mr Neindorf said recently there was a close call with a western brown snake found under a kitchen stove. He said anyone bitten by a snake should stay calm and still, bandage the affected limb and go to hospital. His snake call-out business is a free service which operates every day, including public holidays. The snake hotline number is 0407 983 276

Stolen cannabis

A man in Clearview, Adelaide, reported to police that a window had been smashed at his house and his marijuana plants stolen. Police later were not able to charge him with drug offences as the evidence was missing, the thieves had taken all his plants!

Sydney sleepwalker

We have all heard about sleep walking but this is more of a case of sleepshagging;

A Sydney doctor, sleep medicine physician Peter Buchanan at Royal Prince Alfred Hospital, reported on ABC radio that one of his patients had a sleeping disorder that was a bit out of the ordinairy. The middle aged woman would get up in the middle of the night and wander out of her house in search of men to have sex with, all while asleep and having no recollection of this the next day. Her husband had been mystified for a while when he found condoms all around the place but one night when he woke to find her missing from the bedroom so he went to look for her and found her having sex with another man. Mr. Buchanan will discuss this case further at the Annual Scientific Meeting of the Australasian Sleep Association in Sydney in October 2004.

Ti Tree Tail Tale

On 9 March 1991, the tiny town of Ti Tree, 160 km. north of Alice Springs in the Northern Territory, made the national news headlines (which does not happen too often). The previous night police had been called out because some Aborigines were sitting in the middle of the Stuart Highway, a very dangerous situation as truckies on drugs in roadtrains are not likely to spot a black face in time to halt their 100 metre long machines. Police managed to get them off the road but by this time they were a bit agitated and purchased a bunch of frozen kangaroo tails in the roadhouse with which they attacked the police officers. They won the battle and the police retreated, also they were not charged as the police did n ot keep the weapons for evidence as the frozen tails would have defrostedand andgone smelly. Ti Tree Roadhouse manager Gregory Dick siad he would have sold 20 to 30 tails that night and said he enjoyed watching the fight though he did acknowledge it looked a bit dangerous as the tails are up to a metre long and weigh four kilos. Ti Tree did not manage to get back in the headlines for years after this until a Pommie backpacker disappeared just a bit up the road.

Too busy to vote

A woman claimed she was having group sex with 30 men in Nimbin, NSW, and could not get to a polling booth in Queensland on time to vote in the february 7 2004 State elections. Electoral commissioner Bob Longland said this was the all-time best excuse. ( In Australia it is compulsory to vote and if you don't show up they will fine you).

Topless woman attacks picnic

Early 2003 when US bombers were pounding Baghdad and media headlines around the world read "Bombs on Baghdad", "War in Baghdad", etc. the NT News in Darwin carried the headline "Topless woman attacks picnic" ! It was a hell of a day for the Northern Territory as the second major news in the paper that day was "Pensioner loses wallet at swimming pool" !!

Topless woman predicts another 9/11

In january 2004 144 passengers on a Virgin Blue flight from Hobart to Melbourne were entertained by a 50-minute tirade by a 23 year old woman who stripped topless and ranted that "this flight was the next September 11", "I've had a vision", and "we are all going to die". After landing police escorted the woman from the plane and released her into the custody of her parents, she was not charged.

Town with no beer

Marble Bar, population 300, became known as the hottest town in Australia when in 1923-24, it experienced a world-record 161 consecutive days when the temperature was at least 37.8C. In january 2004 the temperature has hovered around 40C with tourists, a road gang and locals also sweating in high humidity.
Imagine then the distress of the locals when without warning the town's sole watering hole, The Iron Clad Hotel, shut its doors after serving beer in the town for the past 111 years. Locals in the Pilbara outback town were then faced with a 200km trip to Port Hedland to find a cold beer.

Wheel patent

John Keogh patented an invention named "circular transportation facilitation device." He did not actually invent it himself, it had already been in use for some time around the world, to most people better known as 'the wheel'.

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