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Amazing Australian Jokes page 5
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Aussie jokes a often a bit on the rude side.
Little Johnny asked his mother the following question:
'Mom, why are wedding dresses white?' The mother looks at Johnny and replies:
'Son, this shows your friends and family that your bride is pure.'
Johnny thinks about it for a moment and goes off to double-check this with his father who is in the kitchen pulling another beer out of the fridge.
'Dad, why are wedding dresses white?'
The father looks at his son, looks around the kitchen and says:
Ya bloody idiot, can't you see that all household appliances come in white?
Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house?
Yes, because a house can't jump !
Bruce and Robbo are in the pub, having a drink
and discussing the many health benefits of beer.
Bruce says: Look Robbo, this is how it works mate:
A mob of kangaroos can only move as fast as the slowest roo. And when the mob is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the mob as a whole, because the average speed and health of the whole mob keeps improving by the elimination of the weakest members.
In exactly the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we all know, intake of alcohol kills your brain cells. But naturally, it attacks your slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making your brain a faster and more efficient machine.
And that, Robbo, is why you always feel much smarter after a coupla beers !
The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking
to her class one morning and she asked the question,
'When you die and go to Heaven, which part of your body goes first?'
Suzy raised her hand and said, 'I think it's your hands.'
'Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?'
Suzy replied, 'Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first.'
'What a wonderful answer!' the nun said.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, 'Sister, I reckon it's your legs.'
The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. 'Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?'
Little Johnny said, 'Well, I walked into mommy and daddy's bedroom the other night.
Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, 'Oh God, I'm coming, I'm coming!!!'
If dad hadn't pinned her down, we would have lost her.'
A bloke was in the bar and spotted a good
He made a few attempts to get her attention and was quite surprised when she turned around, looked him straight in the eye and she said, "Listen here mate, I screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, .. . it doesn't matter to me. I've been screwing people ever since I got out of college and I just love it."
Eyes now wide with interest, he responded, "No kidding. I'm in parliament too. What State are you from?"
Aussie scientists have developed a medicine
to cure depressed lesbians.
They have called it Tridixagen.
Blonde sheila rings her mum.
"Hi Mum, How are you?"
"Not bad mate, but where are you? I thought you were with your dad at Bunnings Hardware"
"Yeah we were, but I got arrested, and they've let me make one phone call"
"Oh, I punched this black woman in the head."
"What on earth ~ why the f*#k did you do that ?????"
"Well it wasn't my fault. Dad told me to find a Black & Decker ."
A woman drops in to her son Robbo's house
unannounced and walks in without knocking.
She was surprised and shocked to find her daughter-in-law lying naked on the couch, while soft music was playing and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
What the hell is going on here, she demanded to know.
I'm waiting for Robbo to come home from work, daughter-in-law replied.
But you're totally f#*kin starkers!!!
This is my love dress, daughter-in-law explained.
Love dress??? You're just bloody naked!!
Robbo loves me, and he likes to see me wear this dress, she said, and every time he sees me in this dress he gets very romantic and we root for hours.
The woman leaves the house and goes home, undresses,
puts on a romantic CD, splashes some off her best perfume on and
lays down naked on the couch in a sexy pose. After a bit of a
wait finally her husband Bruce comes home from the pub.
What the hell's going on here, he says.
I am wearing my love dress, she whispers.
Bruce; Well, looks like you forgot to iron the bloody thing, what's for dinner?
A bloke walks in to the Patent Office and
says he has invented something that he wants to patent.
The clerk at the counter asks; so what new invention do you have that you wish to register?
The bloke says; something that will save weight in your eski. An ice block with a hole in it!
Too late to register that as new mate, replies the clerk, I have been married to one of those for 15 years!
A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally
exhausted after an 18-hour shift.
Preparing to write a cheque, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it.
When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller, and without missing a beat, she says:
'Well, that's great....that's just great....Some ar$ehole's got my pen!'
The suburb where Pauline Hanson lives had
problems with an over-population of pigeons.
They were all over the place, shitting on everything from cars to people to laundry, and the stench was intolerable. Absolutely everything was covered in pigeon shit. Numerous methods had been tried to get rid of the pigeons, but nothing worked.
Then one day a man approached Pauline Hanson and said that he could solve the pigeon problem, but it would cost her 2000 dollars.
Pauline had her house for sale as she wanted to move to the UK and she was expecting some potential buyers the next week for an inspection. She was keen to sell the house and wanted it to look nice and clean so she said no problem, go ahead and get rid of those bloody pigeons.
The man then turned up with a bright red pigeon the next day, he released it, it flew around the area, all the other pigeons followed it and they flew away over the horizon, never to be seen again.
So the next day the man knocked on Pauline’s door to collect his 2000 dollars. Pauline was ecstatic with the success of the operation, handed the man his money and whispered in his ear; hey, would you by any chance have a red muslim?
A bloke comes home from the pub and says
to his missus, "what would you do if I won Lotto?"
She says, "I'd take half, then leave you."
"Excellent," he replies,"I won $12 , here's $6 - now F%#k off!"
How to say "I Love You" in ten
English: I Love You
Spanish: Te Amo
French: Je T'aime
German: Ich Liebe Dich
Japanese: Ai Shite Imasu
Italian: Ti Amo
Chinese: Wo Ai Ni
Swedish: Jag Alskar Dig
Lithuanian: As Tave Meliu
Northern Territory, Australia: Nice Tits! Get in the Truck!
Do you find it hard to understand your wife
sometimes? Then you are not the only bloke, but there is hope!
A Melbourne University professor has worked out a formula to understand women!
Bruce has become mates with a Japanese student
that rents the flat next door.
He goes to visit him in hospital after the poor guy has had a traffic accident. When he enters the room he is a bit shocked by all the bandages, equipment and hoses that surrounds the poor Jap who can't even move in the midst of all this. Bruce just stands there silently watching his neighbour when suddenly the guy's open wide, look at him and he shouts ' SAKARO AOTA NAKAMY ANYOBA, SUSHI MASHUTA !!!!!! Then some convulsions follow and he dies. Bruce goes home in shock and the last words of his beloved neighbour are etched in his mind.
When he attends the funeral the next week he approaches the mother of his dead friend and neigbour and after comforting her with her loss he says; his last words in hospital to me were "sakaro aota nakamy anyoba sushi mashute" , I would like to know what he told me, can you tell me what that means?
The mother looked at him in shock and fainted, and another Japanese relative stepped in and said;
he told you: YOU'RE STANDING ON MY OXYGEN HOSE YOU F%#KING IDIOT!!!!
An Italian, an Irishman and a Chinese fellow
are hired at a Sydney construction site.
The foreman points to a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping."
To the Irishman he says "You're in charge of shoveling."
To the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."
He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that pile."
So the foreman goes away for a couple hours, but when he returns the pile of sand is untouched.
He says to the Italian: "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"
The Italian replies in a heavy accent, "I no gotta broom, an' you tella me dat de Chinese'a guy supposa bringa da supplies, but he disappear and I no finda him."
Then the foreman turns to the Irishman and asks why he didn't shovel.
The Irishman replies in his heavy brogue, "Aye, that ye did, but I couldn't get meself a shovel. Ye left the Chinese fella in charge of supplies, but I couldn't fin' him."
The foreman is really angry now, and storms off looking for the Chinese guy.
He can't find him anywhere and is getting angrier by the minute.
Until suddenly, the Chinese guy scares the hell out of him when he jumps out from behind the pile of sand and yells...
A jumbo jet is making its final approach to Coolangatta
The pilot comes on the intercom, 'This is your Captain. We're on our final descent . I want to thank you for flying with us today and hope you enjoy your stay on the Gold Coast.
But then he forgets to switch off the intercom, and now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit.
The co-pilot can be heard saying to the pilot, 'So, Skip, whatcha got planned while we're on the Gold Coast?'
'Well,' says the captain, 'first I'm gonna check into the hotel, take a big crap....
Then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge boobs out for dinner, I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and root her senseless all night long.'
Aghast and amused, everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisle, trying to figure out who this new stewardess is that the pilot's talking about.
Meanwhile, the new stewardess is seated at the very back of the plane.
She is so embarrassed that she starts running toward the cockpit to turn the intercom off.
Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes. The old lady leans over and says: 'No need to hurry, dear.............He's gotta land the plane and take a shit first....'
Bruce is bored with Sheila and goes to see a girlfriend
that he's got on the side.
But on entering the house he finds her sitting on the floor crying next to a mountain of pills, with a notepad in her hands.
Hey, says Bruce, whaddaya doin?
The girl replies; I am writing a suicide note, I am going to kill myself!
Bruce sits down next to her, looks at the tears, looks at the pile of pills, looks at the suicide note, and says; girl, you got it all wrong...
Useles should be spelled with a double s.....
Robbo chose a new doctor.
After two visits and exhaustive tests, the doctor said Robbo was doing 'fairly well' for his age.
A little concerned about that comment, Robbo couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'
The doctor asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?' 'Oh no,' Robbo replied.. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'
Next, the doctor asked, 'Do you eat big rib-eye steaks, pizza, fish and chips, meat pies and barbecued ribs?"
'Not much, Robbo replied... my former doctor said that all red meat and take-away is very unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, cricket, footy, sailing, hiking, surfing or bicycling?
' 'No, I don't,' Robbo said.
'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?' No, not really, Robbo said.
The doctor looked at Robbo and said,... 'So what’s the f#*$#in’ point of living all these years then?
Bruce was on a flight from Sydney to Darwin
to go to the annual Beercan Regatta.
Shortly after the plane had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced:
'Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain speaking.
Welcome to this flight, non-stop from Sydney to Darwin. The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight. So sit back, relax and...."AAAARGH!!! OH, MY GOD!!!! !" Silence followed!
Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom. 'Ladies and gentlemen, my apologies, while I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!'
After which Bruce yelled out... 'For f*#k's sake mate....... you should see the back of mine!!!'
An Arab student studying in Australia sends
an e-mail to his dad, saying:
Dear Dad, Sydney is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here, but Dad, I am a bit ashamed to arrive at my college with my gold Ferrari 599GTB when all my teachers and most fellow students travel by train.
The next day, Nasser gets a reply to his e-mail from his dad:
My dear loving son, twenty million dollars has just been transferred to your account. Please stop embarrassing us. Go and get yourself a train too.
Bruce and Sheila are lying in bed.
Sheila jumps on top of Bruce and says; Bruce, I am going to make you the happiest man in the world!
To which Bruce replies; OK, see ya later!
One day Bruce decided to wash his own shirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to Sheila,
'What bloody setting do I use on the f#*%ing washing machine?'
'It depends,' she replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, ' Fosters Beer..'
Sheila is in the pub having a coupla beers with a mate.
When asked about her ring Sheila replies; Bruce bought it for me, he thought it would be handy as the stone shows what mood I am in.
When I'm in a good mood, the stone turns into a beautiful emerald green.
When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big bloody red mark on his fucking forehead.
Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.
Bruce and Sheila wanted to join the church's local
The priest told them, We have a special requirement for new member couples. You must abstain from sex for one whole month.'
Bruce moaned about the idea of not getting a root for a whole month but Sheila insisted that they could do it.
So they agreed, but after only two-and-a-half weeks they returned to the church.
When the priest ushered them into his office, Sheila was crying and Bruce was obviously very depressed….
'You are back so soon...Is there a problem?' the priest enquired.
We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month.' Bruce replied sadly.
The priest calmly asked him what happened.
'Well, the first week was difficult…. however, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we still managed to abstain. However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, watching live Parliamentary sittings, prayer, reading from the Bible....anything to keep our minds off Carnal Thoughts……. then one afternoon Sheila reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and I just rooted her right then and there. I absolutely shagged her brains out for over an hour and when we were done we were both drenched in sweat,' admitted Bruce, shamefacedly.
The priest lowered his head and said sternly, 'You understand this means you will not be welcome here at our parish.'
'We know.' said Bruce, hanging his head, 'and they told us the same thing at Bunnings.'
Bruce was told by his doctor that he needed a prostate
He was a bit embarrassed to go get this done locally in his little outback town where everybody knows eachother so he thought I'll get it done in Thailand on my holidays while I am getting my teeth fixed too.
The Thai hospital had some beautiful nurses and Bruce was happy he had come here to get this embarrassing procedure done instead of back home.
As is usual for this procedure he was asked to strip off, he lay naked on his side on the bed and the nurse began the examination.
"At this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection" said the nurse.
"No mate, I haven't got an erection" said Bruce.
"No, but I have" replied the nurse.
Julia's partner Tim also told a team of Indian criket
players a prostate joke while they were at a party at his house.
The punch line was that if you need a prostate test you should preferable have it done by a small female Asian doctor.
The Indian cricketers laughed, but Julia cringed, and it made the national headlines as the unappropriatest joke in ages.
A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they
saw a girl about to jump off a bridge so they stop.
The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"
"I'm going to commit a suicide," she says.
While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity. So he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?
So, she does and it was a long, deep lingering kiss.
After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best Kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous
Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......
You can say lots of bad things about paedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools.....
Bruce's little grandson got lost in a huge shopping
He approached a security guard and said, "I've lost my Granddad."
The guard asked, "What's his name?"
The child replied, "Granddad."
The guard smiled asked: "But what's he like?"
The little angel thought for a moment and then replied, "VB and girls with big tits."
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