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Amazing Australian Jokes page 2
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Aussie jokes a often a bit on the rude side.
And one more fairytale.....
One day, once upon a time, in a land far, far away, there lived a woman who did not whine, nag, or bitch....
But that was a long time ago, and only for one day....
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A couple were invited to a swanky family masked
fancy dress Halloween party. The wife got a terrible headache
and told her husband to go to the party alone.
He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going.
So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided to go to the party.
As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.
His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.
After more drinks he finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse in the back seat.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and she was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had.
"Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"
He replied, "I'll tell ! you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening."
"You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm.
To which the husband replied: actually, I gave my costume to your dad, apparently he had the time of his life.
1. Never take an open stubby to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your paddocks before shooting at them.
3. It's tacky to take an esky to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude to take your ute and trailer to the funeral.
1. When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to bruise the wine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one hand.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners.
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private, using one's OWN ute keys.
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money.
3. Extensive use of deodorant can only delay bathing by a few days.
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, it alters the taste of finger foods and if you are a woman it can draw attention away from your jewellery.
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook - especially on the first date.
2. Be assertive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you ever since I read that stuff on the dunny door two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she's expected back. Some will say 11:00 PM, others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it's the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movie ends.
2. Refrain from yelling abuse at characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.
1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than five seconds may cause a drop in your popularity. (Excessive use of the tongue is also considered out of place)
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A tracksuit with a cummerbund and a clean football jumper can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for the occasion.
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if your gun's loaded and the roo's in your rifle sight.
2. When entering a roundabout, the vehicle with the largest roo bar doesn't always have the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it's impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.
If you can't see what's so funny about the above and decide to follow the suggestions given you could be a redneck, do the redneck test to see if you are.
A man and his wife are dining at a table
in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring
at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sits alone at a nearby
The wife asks, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," sighs the husband, "She's my ex-girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" says the wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
A very loud, unattractive, hard-faced woman walks
into Big W with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities
at them all the way through the entrance.
The door greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Big W - nice children you've got there -- are they twins?"
The fat ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl: Of course they bloody aren't! The oldest, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins?..... Do you really think they look alike, ya dickhead?"
"Absolutely not," replies the greeter, "I just can't believe anyone would want to root you twice!"
Bruce woke up after the annual work Christmas
party with a ginormous pounding headache.
He felt like shit and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.
After a trip to the dunny for a big chunder, he made his way downstairs, where his missus put some coffee in front of him.
"Sheila," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"
"Even worse, mate," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face."
"He's an asshole anyway," Bruce said. "Piss on him."
"You did," came the reply. "And he fired you."
"Well, F%#K him!" said Bruce.
"I already did. You're back at work on Monday. And you got a pay rise!
Bruce is at the doctor's to get some broken
glass removed from his foot from the last barbie he got pissed
When he's fixing up the bill at reception he remembers his missus had a test done earlier that week, so he asks for the results to save her a trip there. The receptionist looks at the computer screen and asks for her name.
Sheila, Bruce replies.
Receptionist; there's two Sheilas in here mate, what test did she have done? Haven't got a F***ing clue, Bruce says.
Well, says the receptionist, one Sheila was tested for Alzheimers and the other was tested for HIV, and unfortunately both tested positive, so the news is bad either way.
Jesus F***ing Christ, says Bruce, what am I gonna do now?
The receptionist thinks for a brief moment and says; take her to a really big shopping centre and then leave her there.
See if she finds her own way home. If she does find her way home, then don't root her!!
A Qld farmer got in his ute and drove to
a neighbouring farm and knocked at the farmhouse door.
A young boy, about nine, opened the door.
'Is your Dad home'? the farmer asked.
'Sorry mate, he isn't' the boy replied. 'He went into town.'
'Well,' said the farmer, 'Is your mum here'?
'No, sir, she's not here either. She went into town with Dad.'
'How about your brother, Robbo? Is he here'?
'He went with Mum and Dad.'
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.
'Is there anything I can do for ya'? the boy asked politely. 'I know where all the tools are if you want to borrow one. Or maybe, I could take a message for Dad.'
'Well,' said the farmer uncomfortably, 'I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Robbo getting my daughter pregnant.'
The boy considered for a moment.
'You would have to talk to Dad about that,' he finally conceded. If it helps you any, I know that Dad charges $200 for the bull and $150 for the pig, but I really don't know how much he gets for Robbo.'
A bank robbery is taking place by a masked
gunman and everyone is ordered to lie face down and not look at
He is just about to walk out the door with the loot when his mask slips and one of the bank customers who defied his orders sees his face. Not wanting to be identified later he shoots the person that saw him point blank through the head and yells at the rest of the terrified people; now is there anybody else that saw my face?
One man replies; eh, I think my missus caught a glimpse.....
One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife, pinched her on the butt and said... "If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control top pantyhose." While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent. The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said.... "You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra." This was beyond a silent response... So she rolled over and grabbed him by his dick. With a death grip in place, she said... "You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the pool man and your brother!" Have A Good Day!
Aussie blokes are happy people, they are more happy than sheilas, and this is why;
Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be Prime Minister. You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder blokes are happier!!!!!
Bruce calls into see his mate Robbo who
has a broken leg. Robbo says, "Me feet are freezing
mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?" "No
worries," Bruce says, and he runs upstairs and there are
Robbo's two stunning 19 year old twin daughters sitting on their
"G'day girls, your Dad sent me up here to root ya both."
"F%*# off ya liar!".
"I'll prove it," Bruce says.
So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them, Robbo?"
"Of course ya idiot, , what's the use of f%*#in' one?"
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices
a beautiful blond woman wave at him and say hello..
He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says,
"My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery and then stuck a carrot up my butt???
She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's math teacher.
An elderly man lay dying in his bed.
While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled
the aroma of his favourite Anzac bickies wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite Anzac bickies!
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Aussie wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture. His aged and withered hand trembled towards a biscuit at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a spatula........
"F%*# off" she said, "they're for the funeral."
What do women and clouds have in common?
You know that when they f%#k off it is gonna be a beautiful day.
Its sooooo dry in Victoria that........
HIH Insurance has come out of liquidation.
If the England cricket team wasn't touring we'd never see ducks.
The Red Cross has launched a wet blanket appeal.
We're actually drinking the new Vanilla Coke
You're only permitted to eat watermelon between 8pm and 8am.
The Government has introduced a water pistol buyback scheme.
Thieves are siphoning off radiators instead of petrol tanks.
I'm encouraging the kids to wee in the pool.
Jesus has turned the wine into water
We are having to hand feed the rocking horse.
Philip Ruddock says that the so called children overboard lie, it was so they could walk to Australia.
Everyone is now an expert - because you can't find anyone who is wet behind the ears.
All the bottom of the harbour tax schemes are re-surfacing.
I saw two trees fighting over a dog.
All the Baptists have become Anglicans.
When my daughter fainted it took three buckets of sand to bring her around.
I've sent my indoor plants out on agistment.
All the dogs are marking their territory with chalk.
Some of the 4WDs in Toorak have actually got dust on them.
The Italian says, "When I've a finished a makina da love withah my wife,I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees,she floats 6 inches above a da bed in ecstacy."
The Frenchman replies. "Zat is noting, when Ah've finished making ze love with ze wife,Ah kiss allze way down her body, and zen Ah lick za soles of her feet wiz mah tongue, and she floats 12 inches above ze bed in pure ecstasy."
The Aussie says, "That aint nothing, mate! When I've finished rootin' the ole lady, I git out of bed, walk over to the window and wipe me dick on the curtains. She hits the freakin' ceiling."
When do you know you had really good sex?
When the neighbours need a cigarette too!
Sheila stands in front of the mirror complaining
to Bruce that her tits are too small.
Instead of telling her it's not so, Bruce uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion."If you want your tits to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds".
Willing to try anything, Sheila grabs a piece of dunny paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her tits. "How long will this take?" she asked."They will grow larger over a period of years," Bruce replies.
Sheila stopped. "How the hell is rubbing a piece of bog roll between my tits every day make 'em grow bigger over the years?
"Without missing a beat Bruce says "Worked for your arse, didn't it?"
Sheila is in the kitchen preparing to boil
eggs for brekkie.
Bruce walks in. Sheila turns and says, "You've gotta root me -- this very moment."
His eyes light up and he thinks, this is my lucky day.
Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraces her and then gives it his all on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she says, "Thanks mate," and returns to the stove.
More than a little puzzled, he asks, "What was that all about?"
She explains, "The bloody egg timer's broken."
We've all heard about people having guts
or balls. But do you really know the difference between
them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each
is listed below...
GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you gonna fly somewhere?"
BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: "You're next."
Bruce comes home after a heavy night's drinking.
Sheila won't open the door for him, so he starts hammering on it.
She still won't let him in, so he starts shouting.
The neighbours are starting to notice, so in an attempt to embarrass her, he starts singing at the top of his voice:
"I rooted her before she was married, I rooted her before she was married!"
The top window immediately flies open, and Sheila responds with equal gusto: "And so did all of your mates!"
Rich bloke and a poor bloke were discussing
what they were giving the missus for Christmas.
The rich bloke says, "I'll buy my missus a diamond necklace and a Mercedes Benz.
The poor bloke asks, "Why buy her two gifts?" The rich bloke replies, "Well, in case she doesn't like the diamond necklace, she can drive Her Mercedes Benz to take it back."
The poor bloke acknowledges the rich bloke's answer then proceeds to tell him what he intends to get his missus.
"I'll get my missus a pair of thongs and a dildo."
With a confused and intrigued look, the rich bloke asks, "Why would you buy her those gifts?!"
The poor bloke replies, "Well, in case she doesn't like the thongs, she can go f%#* herself."
A Fair Dinkum Aussie Love Story equal to
Romeo and Juliet.
Daryl is on his way to the pub driving over the Sydney Harbour Bridge one day when he sees his girlfriend Shazza about to throw herself off.
Daryl slams on the brakes and yells:
"Shazza what the bloody hell d'ya think ya doing?"
Shazza turns around with a tear in her eye and says:
"G'day Daryl. You got me pregnant, so now I'm gonna kill meself".
Daryl gets a lump in his throat when he hears this.
Shazza, he says, Fair dinkum not only are ya a top root but you're a real sport too", and drives off to the pub.
A Sydney blonde was so depressed that she
decided to endher life by throwing herself from the Harbour Bridge.
She went to the bridge and was about to leap into the water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the bridge, crying.
He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food everyday."
Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy.
The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning.
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.
From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.
Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the captain asked.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors, who's stowed me away" she explained. "I get food and free passage to Europe, and he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," the captain replied "this is the bloody Manly Ferry".
WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S
It's Braille for "suck here".
WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
It's the same as a French kiss, only "down under."
WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.
WHY ARE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
Because when they come, they're wild and wet. But when they go, they take your house and car with them.
WHY DO WOMEN RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?
Because they don't have any balls to scratch.
A bloke was seated next to a little girl
on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, "Let's
I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the guy, "What would you like to talk about?" Hmmmm... "How about nuclear power?" said the guy.
"OK". she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first.
A horse, a cow and a deer all eat grass, the same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty and a horse produces clumps of dried grass.
Why do you suppose that is?"
The guy thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
The girl replied... "So, why do you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"
Recently a bloke went to the hospital to
have his wedding ring cut off his penis.
Seems his missus found the ring in his pants pocket, and she got so mad at him, she used petroleum jelly to slip the ring on his penis while he was asleep.
I don't know what's worse:
1) having your girlfriend find out you're married;
2) explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis;
3) or finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring!!!!!
A hippie gets on the bus and spots a pretty
He sits down next to her, and asks her "Can we have sex?"
"NO," she replies, "I'm married to God."
She stands up, and gets off at the next stop. The bus driver, who overheard turns to the hippie and says "I can tell you how to get to have sex with her!"
"Yeah?" says the hippie.
"Yeah!" says the bus driver. "She goes to the cemetery every Tuesday night at midnight to pray. So all you have to do is dress up in a robe with a hood, put some of that luminous powder stuff in your beard, and pop up in the cemetery claiming to be God."
The hippie decides to give it a try, and arrives in the cemetery dressed as suggested on the next Tuesday night.
"I am God," he declares to the nun, keeping the hood low about his face. "Have sex with me."
The nun agrees without question, but begs him to restrict himself to anal sex, as she is desperate not to lose her virginity.
'God' agrees, and promptly has his wicked way with her. As he finishes, he jumps up and throws back his hood with a flourish.
"Ha-ha," he cries "I am the hippie!"
"Ha-ha," cries the nun. "I am the bus driver!"
'Coz I'm a bloke.....
"Coz I'm a bloke , when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in. Calling the RACV or the AA is not an option. I will win.
"Coz I'm a bloke , when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another bloke shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix
these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink a couple of beers and break wind, as a form of holy communion.
"Coz I'm a bloke, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you, this is no problem.
"Coz I'm a bloke, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing.
"Coz I'm a bloke, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
"Coz I'm a bloke, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it, though one time I was able to survive by holding a
calculator instead (applies to engineers only)
"Coz I'm a bloke, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The true answer is always either sex, cars, sex, sports or sex or pizza. I have to make up something else when you ask, so just don't ask.
"Coz I'm a bloke, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't . . . and if you are feeling amorous afterwards . . then I will certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others.
"Coz I'm a bloke, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. It does not make your ass
look too big. It was the pasta and potatoes and margaritas that did that. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
"Coz I'm a bloke, and this is, after all, the 21st century, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest. Like wandering around in the garden with a beer, wondering what to do.
A young Aussie lad moved to London and went
to Harrods looking for a job.
The manager asked, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The young man answered, "Yeah, heaps mate, I was a salesman back in Oz."
The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job. His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked "OK, so how many sales did you make today?"
The Aussie said "One."
The manager groaned and continued "Just one? Here in Harrods, our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"
"£108,637.64", the Aussie replied.
The manager choked and exclaimed "£108,637.64? What the hell did you sell him?"
"Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engined Power Cat. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so took him down to Harrods car sales and I sold him a Cayenne "The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me....a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and 4wheeldrive?"
"No, no, no...he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said..."Well, since your weekend's rooted, you might as well go fishing."
A Scotsman living in Sydney phones his Aussie
dentist to enquire about the cost for a tooth extraction.
$220.- for an extraction, mate!"
$220.-?”, the man replies. “Huv ye no'got anythin' cheaper?"
"That's the normal charge, mate" replies the dentist.
"Whit aboot if ye didnae use any anaesthetic?"
"That's unusual, mate, but I could do it and knock $20.- off."
"Whit aboot if ye used one of your dentist trainees and still withoot an anaesthetic?"
"I can't guarantee their professionalism and it'll be painful. But the price could drop to $180.-"
"How aboot if ye make it a trainin' session, 'ave yer student do the extraction with the other students watchin' and learnin'?"
"It'll be good for the students" mulled the dentist. "I'll charge you fifty bucks. But it will be traumatic, mate."
"Och, now yer talkin' laddie! It's a deal," said the Scotsman. "Can ye confirm an appointment for the wife next Tuesday then?
One day, Robbo was walking down the street
when he saw his buddy Bruce driving a brand new ute.
Bruce pulled up to him with a wide grin." Bruce, where'd you git that truck?!?"
" Sheila give it to me" Bruce replied. "She give it to ya?I know'd she wuz kinda sweet on ya, but a new ute?" "Well, Robbo, let me tell you what happened.
We wuz drivin' out on the Isa Highway, in the middle of bloody nowheres.
Sheila pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive, and headed into the scrub. She parked the ute, got out, threw off all her clothes and said, 'Bruce, take whatever you want!' So I took the ute! "
"Bruce , yore a smart bloke! Them clothes woulda never fit you!"
A police officer pulls over a speeding car.
The officer says, " I clocked you at 120 km. per hour, sir."
The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Dammit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."
The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."
The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT THE F*** UP??"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
To which she replies.... "Only when he's been drinking......"
A bloke got on the plane in Darwin with
a box of mud crabs.
He approached a female crew member with the request to keep it cold, so she took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.
The man firmly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, and proceeded to rant and rave about what would happen if she let the crabs thaw out.
Shortly before landing in Sydney, she announced to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in Darwin, please raise your hand?"
Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them herself !
Sheila goes into a pet shop, immediately
spotting a large colourful parrot.
The price tag is $5.00. "Why so little, sir?," she asks. The owner looks at her, says, "Look, Lady, I gotta tell ya - this bird used to live in a house of ill repute, so ta speak - and sometimes says some fairly vulga stuff."
The woman thinks about it, deciding she just has to have the bird anyway and takes it home, puts the bird cage in the living room waiting for it to say something. The bird slowly looks around the room, then at her and says, "New house, new madam." The woman is just shocked at the implication but thinks, "Gee, that's not really so bad."
Her two teenage daughters return from school and the bird sees them come in and says, "New house, new madam, new girls." They are a just a little bit offended - then begin to laugh about the situation.
A bit later Sheila's husband Bruce comes home from the pub. The bird looks at him and says, "Hi, Bruce."
Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey,
I no come work today.
I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work'
The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her I need sex. That makes me feel much better and then I go to work. You try that.'
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what you say and I feel great now. I be at work soon . . . You got nice house, Boss!
A man and a woman are at a bar downing a
They strike up a conversation and quickly discover that they're both doctors.
After about an hour, the man says to the woman, "Hey, how about we sleep together tonight? No strings attached. It'll just be one night of fun." The woman agrees. So they go back to her place. She goes into the bathroom and starts scrubbing up like she's about to go into the operating room.
She scrubs for a good 10-20 minutes. Finally, she goes into the bedroom And they have sex for an hour or so. Afterwards, the man says to the woman, "You're a surgeon, aren't you?"
"Yeah, how did you know?"
"I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started."
"Oh, that makes sense," says the woman. "You're an anesthesiologist, aren't you?"
"Yeah," says the man, a bit taken aback. "How did you know?"
The woman answers, "I didn't feel a thing."
A bloke in Birdsville walks into his bedroom
and sees his missus packing a suitcase.
He asks, "What are you doing?"
She answers, "I'm moving to Sydney. I heard hookers there get paid $800 a night for doing what I do for you for free."
A little later, on her way out, she walks past the bedroom and sees her bloke packing his suitcase.
When she asks him where he is going, he replies, "I'm coming too. I want to see how you live on $1600 a year!
Thought for the day:
Handle every stressful situation like a dog.
If you can't eat it or hump it, piss on it and walk away.
A five-year-old boy and his grandfather
are sitting on the front porch together, when grandpa
pulled a beer out of the cooler.
The little boy asked, "Grandpa, can I have a beer?
Grandpa replied "Can your pecker touch you're ass?
The little boy answered, "No Grandpa, It's just a little pecker!"
Grandpa said, Then you're not man enough to have a beer.
A little later Grandpa lit up a cigar.
The little boy asked, "Grandpa, can I have a cigar?"
Once again, Grandpa asked, "Can your pecker touch you're ass?"
The little boy answered "no," again.
Grandpa said, "Then your not man enough to have a cigar."
A little later, the boy came out of the house with some cookies and milk.
Grandpa asked, "Can I have a cookie?"
The boy asked, "Can your pecker touch you're ass?"
Grandpa replied, Hell yeah, my pecker can touch my ass!"
The boy replied, Then go f%*k yourself! Grandma made these for me."
The local Vicar explains that he must move
on to a larger congregation that will pay him more.
There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave.
Bruce Walsh, who owns several car dealerships in the area, stands up and proclaims: 'If the Vicar stays, I will provide him with a new Holden every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!' The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.
Sambo Weeks, a successful entrepreneur and local pub owner, stands and says, If the Vicar will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school education of his children!'
More sighs and loud applause.
Sheila Hodges, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, ' If the Vicar stays, I will give him sex.'
There is total silence.....
The Preacher, blushing, asks her: 'Mrs. Hodges, whatever possessed you to say that?'
Sheila's 90-year old husband, Robbo, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while Sheila replies:
'Well, I just asked Robbo how we could help, and he said, 'F% that Vicar!'
What do you call a German with manners?
Married 30 years, Bruce and Sheila are lying
in bed one night.
Suddenly Sheila felt Bruce begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.
It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck and began moving down past the small of her back.
He caressed her shoulders and neck, then worked his hand down over her breasts stopping just over her lower stomach. Moving to her left inner arm, and caressed her side, passed gently over her buttocks and down her leg to her calf, then traced up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. After doing the same on her right side, he suddenly stopped, rolled over, and became silent.
As Sheila had enjoyed all this she said" Jesus Bruce, I was just getting horny there, why the F%#*! did you stop?"
To which Bruce replies;" I found the remote" ..
Bruce and Sheila are shopping when Bruce
picks up a dozen VB stubbies and sticks it into the trolley.
"What the F#*%! do you think you're doing?" says Sheila.
"They're on special, only $10 for 12 cans", Bruce says.
"Put them back. We can't afford it," says Sheila and they carry on shopping...
A few minutes later the Sheila picks up a $20 jar of face cream and sticks it into the trolley.
"What the F#*%! do you think you're doing?" asks Bruce."
It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," Sheila says.
To which Bruce replies... "SO DOES 12 CANS OF VB AND THAT'S ONLY HALF THE F*%KING PRICE"
Little Johnny was at school and his teacher,
trying to teach good manners, asked the class:
If you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the toilet?
Little Bruce said, "Back in a sec, gotta go to the dunny for a piss."
The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite. What about you George, how would you say it?"
George said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the toilet. I'll be right back."
"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word 'toilet' at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"
"I would say: 'Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, to whom I hope to introduce you to, later this evening."
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