Amazing Australian Jokes page 2
Below is a small selection of Aussie jokes, but we
are always happy to add more, if you know a good one please
send it to us!
Aussie jokes a often a bit on the rude side.
Do not scroll down to read these jokes if
you are easily offended or under 16 years of age.
Why you should not flirt
A couple were invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress Halloween
party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to
go to the party alone.
He, being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said
she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no
need for his good time to be spoiled by not going.
So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping
soundly for about an hour, woke without
pain and as it was still early, decided to go to the party.
As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she
would have some fun by watching
her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume,
cavorting around on the dance floor,
dancing with every nice "chick" he could and copping a
little feel here and a little kiss there.
His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself,
he left his new partner high and dry and
devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally,
since he was her husband.
After more drinks he finally he whispered a little proposition
in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and
had passionate intercourse in the back seat.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home
and put the costume away and she was sitting up reading when he
came in, so she asked what kind of time he had.
"Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time
when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance
much?"
He replied, "I'll tell ! you, I never even danced one dance.
When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and
some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker
all evening."
"You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing
poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm.
To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume
to your dad, apparently he had the time of his
life."
Australian Etiquette
IN GENERAL
1. Never take an open stubby to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your paddocks before shooting at them.
3. It's tacky to take an esky to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude
to take your ute and trailer to the funeral.
DINING OUT
1. When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour
slowly so as not to bruise the wine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one hand.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared
by a taxidermist.
2. Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his
manners.
PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done
in private, using one's OWN ute keys.
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money.
3. Extensive use of deodorant can only delay bathing by a few days.
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, it alters the
taste of finger foods and if you are a woman it can draw attention
away from your jewellery.
DATING
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook - especially on the first
date.
2. Be assertive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been
wanting to go out with you ever since I read that stuff on the dunny
door two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she's expected back. Some
will say 11:00 PM, others might say "Monday." If the latter
is the answer, it's the man's responsibility to get her to school
on time.
THEATRE ETIQUETTE
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after
the movie ends.
2. Refrain from yelling abuse at characters on the screen. Tests
have proven they can't hear you.
WEDDINGS
1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than five seconds may cause a drop
in your popularity. (Excessive use of the tongue is also considered
out of place)
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A tracksuit with a cummerbund
and a clean football jumper can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes
for the occasion.
DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if your gun's
loaded and the roo's in your rifle sight.
2. When entering a roundabout, the vehicle with the largest roo
bar doesn't always have the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it's
impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.
If you can't see what's so funny about the above and decide to
follow the suggestions given you could be a redneck, do the redneck
test to see if you are.
A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant,
and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink
as she sits alone at a nearby table.
The wife asks, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," sighs the husband, "She's my ex-girlfriend.
I understand she took to drinking right after we split up seven
years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" says the wife, "Who would think a person
could go on celebrating that long?"
A very loud, unattractive, hard-faced woman walks into
Big W with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at
them all the way through the entrance.
The door greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Big W -
nice children you've got there -- are they twins?"
The fat ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl: Of course
they bloody aren't! The oldest, he's 9 and the younger one, she's
7. Why the hell would you think they're twins?..... Do you really
think they look alike, ya dickhead?"
"Absolutely not," replies the greeter, "I just can't
believe anyone would want to root you twice!"
A Qld farmer got in his ute and drove to a neighbouring
farm and knocked at the farmhouse door.
A young boy, about nine, opened the door.
'Is your Dad home'? the farmer asked.
'Sorry mate, he isn't' the boy replied. 'He went into town.'
'Well,' said the farmer, 'Is your mum here'?
'No, sir, she's not here either. She went into town with Dad.'
'How about your brother, Robbo? Is he here'?
'He went with Mum and Dad.'
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot
to the other and mumbling to himself.
'Is there anything I can do for ya'? the boy asked politely. 'I
know where all the tools are if you want to borrow one. Or maybe,
I could take a message for Dad.'
'Well,' said the farmer uncomfortably, 'I really wanted to talk
to your Dad. It's about your brother Robbo getting my daughter pregnant.'
The boy considered for a moment.
'You would have to talk to Dad about that,' he finally conceded.
If it helps you any, I know that Dad charges $200 for the bull and
$150 for the pig, but I really don't know how much he gets for Robbo.'
One morning while making breakfast, a man walked
up to his wife, pinched her on the butt and said... "If you
firmed this up, we could get rid of your control top pantyhose."
While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent. The
next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her
breasts and said.... "You know, if you firmed these up, we
could get rid of your bra." This was beyond a silent response...
So she rolled over and grabbed him by his dick. With a death grip
in place, she said... "You know, if you firmed this up, we
could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the pool man and your
brother!" Have A Good Day!
Aussie blokes are happy people, they are more happy than
sheilas, and this is why;
Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans
take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can
be Prime Minister. You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO
shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world
is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom
because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think
of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles
add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never
stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New
shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the
time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know
stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest
act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she
can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes
are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your
face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years,
maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides
your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for
all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You
can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom
of choice concerning growing a mustache.. You can do Christmas shopping
for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder blokes are happier.
Bruce calls into see his mate Robbo who has a broken leg.
Robbo says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you
nip upstairs and get me slippers?" "No worries,"
Bruce says, and he runs upstairs and there are Robbo's two stunning
19 year old twin daughters sat on their beds.
"G'day girls, your Dad sent me up here to root ya both."
"F%*# off ya liar!".
"I'll prove it," Bruce says.
So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them, Robbo?"
"Of course ya idiot, , what's the use of f%*#in' one?"
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blond
woman wave at him and say hello..
He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he
knows her from.
So he says, "Do you Know me?" To which she replies, "I
think your the father of one of my kids." Now his mind travels
back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and
says,
"My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I
laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your
partner whipped my butt with wet celery and then stuck a carrot
up my butt???
She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's
math teacher.
Anzac Cookie
An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering
the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of
his favourite Anzac bickies wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the
bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom,
and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands,
he crawled downstairs. With laboured breath, he leaned against the
door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony,
he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread
out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds
of his favourite Anzac bickies!
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted
Aussie wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world
a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table,
landing on his knees in rumpled posture. His aged and withered hand
trembled towards a biscuit at the edge of the table, when it was
suddenly smacked by his wife with a spatula........
"F%*# off" she said, "they're for the funeral."
Its sooooo dry in Victoria that........
HIH Insurance has come out of liquidation.
If the England cricket team wasn't touring we'd never see ducks.
The Red Cross has launched a wet blanket appeal.
We're actually drinking the new Vanilla Coke
You're only permitted to eat watermelon between 8pm and 8am.
The Government has introduced a water pistol buyback scheme.
Thieves are siphoning off radiators instead of petrol tanks.
I'm encouraging the kids to wee in the pool.
Jesus has turned the wine into water
We are having to hand feed the rocking horse.
Philip Ruddock says that the so called children overboard lie, it
was so they could walk to Australia.
Everyone is now an expert - because you can't find anyone who is
wet behind the ears.
All the bottom of the harbour tax schemes are re-surfacing.
I saw two trees fighting over a dog.
All the Baptists have become Anglicans.
When my daughter fainted it took three buckets of sand to bring
her around.
I've sent my indoor plants out on agistment.
All the dogs are marking their territory with chalk.
Some of the 4WDs in Toorak have actually got dust on them.
"LOVE MAKING"
The Italian says, "When I've a finished a makina da love withah
my wife,I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees,she floats
6 inches above a da bed in ecstacy."
The Frenchman replies. "Zat is noting, when Ah've finished
making ze love with ze wife,Ah kiss allze way down her body, and
zen Ah lick za soles of her feet wiz mah tongue, and she floats
12 inches above ze bed in pure ecstasy."
The Aussie says, "That aint nothing, mate! When I've finished
rootin' the ole lady, I git out of bed, walk over to the window
and wipe me dick on the curtains. She hits the freakin' ceiling."
When do you know you had really good sex?
When the neighbours need a cigarette too!
Sheila stands in front of the mirror complaining to Bruce
that her tits are too small.
Instead of telling her it's not so, Bruce uncharacteristically comes
up with a suggestion."If you want your tits to grow, then every
day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few
seconds".
Willing to try anything, Sheila grabs a piece of dunny paper and
stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her tits. "How
long will this take?" she asked."They will grow larger
over a period of years," Bruce replies.
Sheila stopped. "How the hell is rubbing a piece of bog roll
between my tits every day make 'em grow bigger over the years?
"Without missing a beat Bruce says "Worked for your arse,
didn't it?"
Sheila is in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for brekkie.
Bruce walks in. Sheila turns and says, "You've gotta root me
-- this very moment."
His eyes light up and he thinks, this is my lucky day.
Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraces her and then gives it
his all on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she says, "Thanks mate," and returns to the
stove.
More than a little puzzled, he asks, "What was that all about?"
She explains, "The bloody egg timer's broken."
We've all heard about people having guts or balls.
But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort
to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below...
GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being
met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are
you still cleaning, or are you gonna fly somewhere?"
BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling
of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife
on the butt and having the balls to say: "You're next."
Bruce comes home after a heavy night's drinking.
Sheila won't open the door for him, so he starts hammering on it.
She still won't let him in, so he starts shouting. The neighbours
are starting to notice, so in an attempt to embarrass her, he starts
singing at the top of his voice:
"I had her before she was married, I had her before she was
married!" The top window immediately flies open, and his wife
responds with equal gusto: "And so did all of your mates!"
Rich bloke and a poor bloke were discussing what
they were giving the missus for Christmas.
The rich bloke says, "I'll buy my missus a diamond necklace
and a Mercedes Benz.
The poor bloke asks, "Why buy her two gifts?" The rich
bloke replies, "Well, in case she doesn't like the diamond
necklace, she can drive Her Mercedes Benz to take it back."
The poor bloke acknowledges the rich bloke's answer then proceeds
to tell him what he intends to get his missus.
"I'll get my missus a pair of thongs and a dildo."
With a confused and intrigued look, the rich bloke asks, "Why
would you buy her those gifts?!"
The poor bloke replies, "Well, in case she doesn't like the
thongs, she can go f%#* herself."
A Fair Dinkum Aussie Love Story equal to Romeo and Juliet.
Daryl is on his way to the pub driving over the Sydney
Harbour Bridge one day when he sees his girlfriend Shazza about
to throw herself off.
Daryl slams on the brakes and yells:
"Shazza what the bloody hell d'ya think ya doing?"
Shazza turns around with a tear in her eye and says:
"G'day Daryl. You got me pregnant, so now I'm gonna kill meself".
Daryl gets a lump in his throat when he hears this.
Shazza, he says, Fair dinkum not only are ya a top root but you're
a real sport too", and drives off to the pub.
A Sydney blonde was so depressed
that she decided to endher life by throwing herself from the Harbour
Bridge.
She went to the bridge and was about to leap into the water when
a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the bridge,
crying.
He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live
for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow
you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food
everyday."
Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added,
I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy.
The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps
a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning.
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.
From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a
piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.
Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain. "What
are you doing here?" the captain asked.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors, who's stowed
me away" she explained. "I get food and free passage to
Europe, and he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," the captain replied "this is the
bloody Manly Ferry".
WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR?
It's Braille for "suck here".
WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
It's the same as a French kiss, only "down under."
WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.
WHY ARE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
Because when they come, they're wild and wet. But when they go,
they take your house and car with them.
WHY DO WOMEN RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?
Because they don't have any balls to scratch.
Guy was seated next to a little girl on the airplane
when the stranger turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've
heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with
your fellow passenger."
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly
and said to the guy, "What would you like to talk about?"
Hmmmm... "How about nuclear power?" said the guy.
"OK". she said. "That could be an interesting topic.
But let me ask you a question first.
A horse, a cow and a deer all eat grass, the same stuff. Yet a deer
excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty and
a horse produces clumps of dried grass.
Why do you suppose that is?"
The guy thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
The girl replied... "So, why do you feel qualified to discuss
nuclear power when you don't know shit?"
True story
Recently a bloke went to the hospital to have his wedding ring cut
off his penis. Seems his missus found the ring in his pants pocket,
and she got so mad at him, she used petroleum jelly to slip the
ring on his penis while he was asleep.
I don't know what's worse:
1) having your girlfriend find out you're married;
2) explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis;
3) or finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring
THE HIPPIE AND THE NUN
A hippie gets on the bus and spots a pretty young nun. He sits
down next to her, and asks her "Can we have sex?"
"NO," she replies, "I'm married to God."
She stands up, and gets off at the next stop. The bus driver, who
overheard turns to the hippie and says "I can tell you how
to get to have sex with her!"
"Yeah?" says the hippie.
"Yeah!" says the bus driver. "She goes to the cemetery
every Tuesday night at midnight to pray. So all you have to do is
dress up in a robe with a hood, put some of that luminous powder
stuff in your beard, and pop up in the cemetery claiming to be God."
The hippie decides to give it a try, and arrives in the cemetery
dressed as suggested on the next Tuesday night.
"I am God," he declares to the nun, keeping the hood low
about his face. "Have sex with me."
The nun agrees without question, but begs him to restrict himself
to anal sex, as she is desperate not to lose her virginity.
'God' agrees, and promptly has his wicked way with her. As he finishes,
he jumps up and throws back his hood with a flourish.
"Ha-ha," he cries "I am the hippie!"
"Ha-ha," cries the nun. "I am the bus driver!"
'Coz I'm a bloke.....
"Coz I'm a bloke , when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle
with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in. Calling the
RACV or the AA is not an option. I will win.
"Coz I'm a bloke , when the car isn't running very well, I
will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm
looking at. If another bloke shows up, one of us will say to the
other, "I used to be able to fix
these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I
wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink a couple
of beers and break wind, as a form of holy communion.
"Coz I'm a bloke, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring
me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're
a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you, this is no problem.
"Coz I'm a bloke, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries
at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic
items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know,
these are the same thing.
"Coz I'm a bloke, when one of our appliances stops working,
I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will
just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and
has to put it back together.
"Coz I'm a bloke, I must hold the television remote control
in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I
may miss a whole show looking for it, though one time I was able
to survive by holding a
calculator instead (applies to engineers only)
"Coz I'm a bloke, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking
about. The true answer is always either sex, cars, sex, sports or
sex or pizza. I have to make up something else when you ask, so
just don't ask.
"Coz I'm a bloke, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie.
Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't . . . and
if you are feeling amorous afterwards . . then I will certainly
at least remember the name and recommend it to others.
"Coz I'm a bloke, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought
what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair
of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. It does
not make your ass
look too big. It was the pasta and potatoes and margaritas that
did that. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
"Coz I'm a bloke, and this is, after all, the year 2008, I
will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the
cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do
the rest. Like wandering around in the garden with a beer, wondering
what to do.
A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods
looking for a job.
The manager asked, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The young man answered, "Yeah, heaps mate, I was a salesman
back in Oz."
The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job. His first day
on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked "OK,
so how many sales did you make today?"
The Aussie said "One."
The manager groaned and continued "Just one? Here in Harrods,
our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the
sale for?"
"£108,637.64", the Aussie replied.
The manager choked and exclaimed "£108,637.64? What the
hell did you sell him?"
"Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish
hook, and then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where
he was going fishing and he said down at the coast so I told him
he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and
I sold him that twin-engined Power Cat. Then he said he didn't think
his Honda Civic would pull it, so took him down to Harrods car sales
and I sold him a Cayenne "The manager, incredulous, said "You
mean to tell me....a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you
sold him a boat and 4x4?"
"No, no, no...he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his
wife and I said..."Well, since your weekend's rooted, you might
as well go fishing."
A Scotsman living in Sydney phones his Aussie dentist
to enquire about the cost for a tooth extraction.
$220.- for an extraction, mate!"
$220.-?”, the man replies. “Huv ye no'got anythin' cheaper?"
"That's the normal charge, mate" replies the dentist.
"Whit aboot if ye didnae use any anaesthetic?"
"That's unusual, mate, but I could do it and knock $20.- off."
"Whit aboot if ye used one of your dentist trainees and still
withoot an anaesthetic?"
"I can't guarantee their professionalism and it'll be painful.
But the price could drop to $180.-"
"How aboot if ye make it a trainin' session, 'ave yer student
do the extraction with the other students watchin' and learnin'?"
"It'll be good for the students" mulled the dentist. "I'll
charge you fifty bucks. But it will be traumatic, mate."
"Och, now yer talkin' laddie! It's a deal," said the Scotsman.
"Can ye confirm an appointment for the wife next Tuesday then?
One day, Robbo was walking down the street when he saw
his buddy Bruce driving a brand new ute.
Bruce pulled up to him with a wide grin." Bruce, where'd
you git that truck?!?"
" Sheila give it to me" Bruce replied. "She give
it to ya?I know'd she wuz kinda sweet on ya, but a new ute?"
"Well, Robbo, let me tell you what happened.
We wuz drivin' out on the Isa Highway, in the middle of bloody nowheres.
Sheila pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive, and
headed into the scrub. She parked the ute, got out, threw off all
her clothes and said, 'Bruce, take whatever you want!' So I took
the ute! "
"Bruce , yore a smart bloke! Them clothes woulda never fit
you!"
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The
officer says, " I clocked you at 120 km. per hour, sir."
The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at
60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't
be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his
wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for
once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful
your radar detector went off when it did."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar
detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched
teeth, "Damit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not
wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."
The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on,
but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license
out of my back pocket."
The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't
have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're
driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver
turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband
always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
To which she replies.... "Only when he's been drinking......"
A bloke got on the plane in Darwin
with a box of mud crabs.
He approached a female crew member with the request
to keep it cold, so she took the box and promised to put it
in the crew's refrigerator.
The man firmly advised her that he was holding her personally
responsible for the crabs staying frozen, and proceeded to
rant and rave about what would happen if she let the crabs
thaw out.
Shortly before landing in Sydney, she announced to the entire
cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in
Darwin, please raise your hand?"
Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them
herself !
The image on the right is from an Inflight
Guide to joining the Mile High Club,
click image to download the guide (right click and Save As...). |
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Sheila goes into a pet shop, immediately spotting
a large colourful parrot. The price tag is $5.00. "Why so little,
sir?," she asks. The owner looks at her, says, "Look,
Lady, I gotta tell ya - this bird used to live in a house of ill
repute, so ta speak - and sometimes says some fairly vulga stuff."
The woman thinks about it, deciding she just has to have the bird
anyway and takes it home, puts the bird cage in the living room
waiting for it to say something. The bird slowly looks around the
room, then at her and says, "New house, new madam." The
woman is just shocked at the implication but thinks, "Gee,
that's not really so bad." Her two teenage daughters return
from school and the bird sees them come in and says, "New house,
new madam, new girls." They are a just a little bit offended
- then begin to laugh about the situation. Moments later the Sheila's
husband Bruce comes home from the pub. The bird looks at him and
says, "Hi, Bruce."
Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no
come work today, I really sick Got headache, stomach ache and legs
hurt, I no come work' The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow,
I really need you today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife
and tell her I need sex. That makes everything better and I go to
work. You try that.'Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do
what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon . . . You got nice
house, Boss.'
A man and a woman are at a bar downing a few beers.
They strike up a conversation and quickly discover that
they're both doctors.
After about an hour, the man says to the woman, "Hey, how about
we sleep together tonight? No strings attached. It'll just be one
night of fun." The woman agrees. So they go back to her place.
She goes into the bathroom and starts scrubbing up like she's about
to go into the operating room.
She scrubs for a good 10-20 minutes. Finally, she goes into the
bedroom And they have sex for an hour or so. Afterwards, the man
says to the woman, "You're a surgeon, aren't you?"
"Yeah, how did you know?"
"I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started."
"Oh, that makes sense," says the woman. "You're an
anesthesiologist, aren't you?"
"Yeah," says the man, a bit taken aback. "How did
you know?"
The woman answers, "I didn't feel a thing."
A bloke in Birdsville walks into his bedroom and sees his
missus packing a suitcase.
He asks, "What are you doing?"
She answers, "I'm moving to Sydney. I heard hookers there get
paid $800 a night for doing what I do for you for free."
A little later, on her way out, she walks past the bedroom and sees
her bloke packing his suitcase.
When she asks him where he is going, he replies, "I'm coming
too. I want to see how you live on $1600 a year!
Thought for the day:
Handle every stressful situation like a dog.
If you can't eat it or hump it, piss on it and walk away.
A five-year-old boy and his grandfather are sitting on
the front porch together, when grandpa pulled a beer out
of the cooler.
The little boy asked, "Grandpa, can I have a beer?
Grandpa replied "Can your pecker touch you're ass?
The little boy answered, "No Grandpa, It's just a little pecker!"
Grandpa said, Then you're not man enough to have a beer.
A little later Grandpa lit up a cigar.
The little boy asked, "Grandpa, can I have a cigar?"
Once again, Grandpa asked, "Can your pecker touch you're ass?"
The little boy answered "no," again.
Grandpa said, "Then your not man enough to have a cigar."
A little later, the boy came out of the house with some cookies
and milk.
Grandpa asked, "Can I have a cookie?"
The boy asked, "Can your pecker touch you're ass?"
Grandpa replied, Hell yeah, my pecker can touch my ass!"
The boy replied, Then go f%*k yourself! Grandma made these for me."
The local Vicar explains that he must move on to a larger
congregation that will pay him more.
There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him
to leave.
Bruce Walsh, who owns several car dealerships in the area, stands
up and proclaims: 'If the Vicar stays, I will provide him with a
new Holden every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport
their children!' The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.
Sambo Mason, a successful entrepreneur and local pub owner, stands
and says, If the Vicar will stay on here, I'll personally double
his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary
school education of his children!'
More sighs and loud applause.
Sheila Hodges, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, ' If the
Vicar stays, I will give him sex.'
There is total silence.
The Preacher, blushing, asks her: 'Mrs. Hodges, whatever possessed
you to say that?'
Sheila's 90-year old husband, Robbo, is now trying to hide, holding
his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from
side to side, while Sheila replies:
'Well, I just asked Robbo how we could help, and he said, 'F%&#
that Vicar!'
Married 30 years, Bruce and Sheila are lying in bed one
night.
Suddenly Sheila felt Bruce begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't
in quite some time.
It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck and began moving
down past the small of her back.
He caressed her shoulders and neck, then worked his hand down over
her breasts stopping just over her lower stomach. Moving to her
left inner arm, and caressed her side, passed gently over her buttocks
and down her leg to her calf, then traced up her inner thigh, stopping
just at the uppermost portion of her leg. After doing the same on
her right side, he suddenly stopped, rolled over, and became silent.
As Sheila had enjoyed all this she said" Jesus Bruce, I was
just getting horny there, why the F%#*! did you stop?"
To which Bruce replies;" I found the remote" ..
Bruce and Sheila are shopping when Bruce picks up a dozen
VB stubbies and sticks it into the trolley.
"What the F#*%! do you think you're doing?" says Sheila.
"They're on special, only $10 for 12 cans", Bruce says.
"Put them back. We can't afford it," says Sheila and they
carry on shopping...
A few minutes later the Sheila picks up a $20 jar of face cream
and sticks it into the trolley.
"What the F#*%! do you think you're doing?" asks Bruce."
It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," Sheila says.
To which Bruce replies... "SO DOES 12 CANS OF VB AND THAT'S
ONLY HALF THE F*%KING PRICE"
Little Johnny was at school and his teacher, trying to
teach good manners, asked the class:
If you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how
would you tell her that you have to go to the toilet?
Little Bruce said, "Back in a sec, gotta go to the dunny for
a piss."
The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite.
What about you George, how would you say it?"
George said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the toilet.
I'll be right back."
"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word
'toilet' at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use
your brain for once and show us your good manners?"
"I would say: 'Darling, may I please be excused for a moment?
I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, to whom I
hope to introduce you to, later this evening."
Bruce's grandfather goes into a chemist to buy some Viagra.
Can I have 6 tablets, cut in quarters?
I can cut them for you ' said the chemist but a quarter tablet will
not give you a full erection.
I am 96 years old said the old man . I don ' t want an erection,
I just want it sticking out far enough so I don’t piss on
my slippers.
Lawyers should never ask an old grandma a question if
they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial in a small outback town the prosecutor called his first
witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman who had lived in the town
all her life, to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones,
do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams.
I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a
big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you
manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think
you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll
never amount to anything more! than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes,
I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed
across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense
lawyer?'
She again replied, ' Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since
he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a big drinking
problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his
law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention
he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was
your missus, and one your daughter. Yes, I know him alright.'
The prosecutor nearly died.
The judge asked both prosecutor and defense lawyer to approach the
bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you two bloody idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll
send the both of you to the electric chair.'
Scientists at Air New Zealand built a gun specifically
to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners
travelling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent
incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength
of the windshields.
Australian engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test
it on the windshields of their new Qantas A380 aircraft. Arrangements
were made, and a gun was sent to the Australian engineers.
When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken
hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield,
smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console,
snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the
back wall of the cabin like an arrow shot from a bow.
The horrified Aussies sent Air New Zealand the disastrous results
of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and
begged the Kiwi scientists for suggestions.......
Air New Zealand responded with a one-line memo: "Defrost the
chicken......"
Little Johnny asked his mother the following question:
"Mom, why are wedding dresses white?" Sheila
looks at Johnny and replies;
"Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride
is pure."
Little Johnny thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with
his father.
"Dad why are wedding dresses white?"
Bruce looks at his son in surprise and says," Look mate, all
household appliances come in white."
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