Amazing Australian Jokes page 1

Aussie Jokes Page 1 | Aussie Jokes 2 | Aussie Jokes 3 | Aussie Jokes 4 | Aussie Jokes 5 | Kiwi Jokes

Some jokes that our readers emailed us;

Below is a small selection of Aussie jokes, but we are always happy to add more, if you know a good one please send it to us!

Be aware though to stop joking at the airport, in June 2005 it was in the national news that Aussie airports were now declared "no-joking zones", several people had been fined heavily for joking about bombs or other terrorism related things, and the public was warned not to make any more jokes in airports and on planes.

Aussie jokes a often a bit on the rude side.
Do not scroll down to read these jokes if you are easily offended or under age 16

A Scottsman, a Chinaman, a Pom and an Aussie were in the pub debating whose country was the best.
The Scottsman reckoned his was the best, because we got the greenest grass.
The Pom reckoned his was the best because they had the most beautiful flag.
The Chinaman reckoned his was the best because of their Great Wall.
The Aussie said we're the best, 'cos we got the kangaroo, and that can jump over your great wall, crap on your grass and wipe it's ass with your flag!

An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world. So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando, thinking that he would start by working his way across the USA from South to North.
On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read "$10,000 per call". The American, being intrigued, asked priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.
The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God. The American thanked the priest and went along his way.
Next stop was in Atlanta. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God. O.K., thank you," said the American. He then travelled to Indianapolis, Washington DC, Philadelphia, Boston, and New York. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same "$10,000 per call" sign under it.

The American, upon leaving Vermont decided to travel to AUSTRALIA to see if Australians had the same phone. He arrived in Australia, and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read "40 cents per call." The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign.
Father, I've travelled all over America and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in the US the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?"

The priest smiled and answered, "You're in Australia now, mate - it's a local call".

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!"
The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.
The drunk leans on the table again and says: "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!"
The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing.
The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!"
At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says,
"Grandpa,....... Go home, you're drunk.

Aussie anger management. I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying "Hello." I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?"
Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f**in number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. This is a long one, click here to read the rest.

A story about mateship. Sheila didn't come home one night. When Bruce asked her where she'd been she said she spent the night at a girl friend's house. Bruce was a bit suspicious she'd been rooting around so rang her ten closest friends, but none of them had seen her.
Next week Bruce didn't come home one night. Sheila asks him where the hell he'd been. Bruce says he got a bit drunk at a mate's place and thought it was safer not to drive and crash out there. Sheila thinks he's been rooting around so rings his ten best mates. Eight of them say he spent the night there and two claim he's still there.

Sheila walked into the kitchen to find Bruce stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

This one did the rounds during the period of beach riots in Sydney:

Terrorist flush-out and test

This one was emailed around when Australia first became concerned about terrorist attacks, it was thought that this test would weed out Muslim terrorists who would not be able to control themselves. Though it was meant as a joke it probaly would have been more effective than the millions the government spent on anti-terrorist fridge magnets;

As we all know, the Taliban considers it a sin for a man to see a naked woman who is not his wife. So, this
Saturday at 2:00 PM Eastern time all Australian women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighbourhood terrorists.
Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort. All men are to position
themselves in lawn chairs in front of their house to prove they are not Taliban, demonstrate that they
think it's okay to see nude women other than their wife and to show support for all Australian women.
And since the Taliban also does not approve of alcohol, a cold six-pack at your side is further proof
of your anti-Taliban sentiment.
The Australian Government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation in
this anti-terrorist activity. God bless Australia!

By the way, if you see anything suspicious, the terrorist hotline in Australia is 1800 - 123400

Wondering if you might be a terrorist yourself ? Do the Terrorist Test here;

YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF..."
1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.
2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.
3. You have more wives than teeth.
4. You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon "unclean."
5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
6. You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.
7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
9. You've often uttered the phrase, "I love what you've done with your cave."
10. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.
11. You bathe at least monthly whether necessary or not.
12. You have a crush on your neighbor's goat.

Real life true jokes

Aussie sheila Anglea Sceats was over in Pommieland to do some studying when she was running a bit late to catch a plane. So she sent a text message to her friend that read; "Call the police and say there is a bomb on board". Her friend, also an Aussie, did just that, with the result that the cops stopped three planes from departing and nearly shut the whole airport down. She managed to convince the judge to let her off the hook but had to pay her own legal costs, estimated to be over thirty grand!

On 5 January 2008 a crowd of 4500 people paid $90.- each to get in to a show at the Australia Zoo where controversial American psychic John Edward was supposed to make contact with the deceased Steve Irwin. You guessed it, nothing happened.... The American cartoon show South Park has devoted a whole show to John Edward in which he wins the award of Biggest Douche In The Universe, beating several douche contestants from other galaxies.

Aussie bloke Patrick Carroll was at Darwin airport when he got a bit thirsty, so he left his luggage on a trolley to go and buy a beer. When he returned from the bar a security man was inspecting his luggage and Patrick called out to him; "Don't worry, I left the bomb in Iraq, mate!" He ended up in court, managed to be released on bail and had to come back to Darwin court later that year to hear the end of it.

A coupla blokes in the South Australia outback were entertaining themselves with the politically incorrect game of tying sticks of dynamite to rabbits which would then run in to their burrows to hide and boof! huge clouds of dust would fly out of the holes in the ground. This went on for a little while until karma caught up with the blokes and the next rabbit did not go down its hole but hid under their brandnew Landcruiser !!

In December 2009 when Best Job in The World winner Ben Southall was only days away from the end of his six-month stint as caretaker of Hamilton Island in Queensland he was stung by a potentially deadly Irukandjiellyfish when he jumped off his jet ski.

Bob Hawke's joke

Not long before he became Prime Minister of Australia, Bob Hawke told this joke to 700 people at a Melbourne dinner function;

The Indian PM Indira Gandhi was looking for a way to divert attention from the political and economical mess of her government and one of her staff suggested a national lottery. The idea was accepted, the lottery was organized and the whole of India bought tickets in the hope of winning one of the three mystery prizes. The draw was done in a large stadium, watched by millions of people. First the third prize was drawn; a first class ticket around the world on Air India, the winner was pretty happy with this. Then the second prize was drawn; a fruit cake. The winner was not happy, he complained that the third prize was better, and normally one would expect the second to be larger than the third. The compere explains; oh, but this is a special fruit cake, it was baked by Mrs. Gandhi! To which the winner replies; F%#*! Mrs. Gandhi! The compere; oh no, that is first prize! The Indian High Commissioner was not impressed.....

Jokes about blokes

An Ukrainian migrant to Australia wanted to become a cabbie so he had to go for an eye test for his drivers licence. He was shown a card with the text CWNSCZYZQOCTAZS. He looked at it with wide open eyes, looking very surprised. The examiner said impatiently; well? And the Ukrainer answered; I know that bloke...

What is the Australian animal that most resembles the Australian male? The wombat, because he eats, roots(,) and leaves.

Why do so many Australian men suffer premature ejaculation? Because they have to rush back to the pub to tell their mates what happened!

What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A man will actually search for a golf ball.

Men are like ... Laxatives ...They irritate the crap out of you.
Men are like ... Bananas ... The older they get, the less firm they are.
Men are like ... Vacations ... They never seem to be long enough.
Men are like ... Weather ... Nothing can be done to change them.
Men are like ... Blenders ... You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
Men are like ... Chocolate Bars ... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
Men are like ... Coffee ... The best ones are rich, warm, & can keep you up all night long.
Men are like ... Commercials ... You can't believe a word they say.
Men are like ... Department Stores ... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
Men are like ... Government Bonds ... They take soooooooo long to mature.
Men are like ... Mascara ... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men are like ... Popcorn ... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
Men are like ... Lava Lamps ... Fun to look at, but not very bright.
Men are like ... Parking Spots ... All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.
Men are like ... Snowstorms ... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN Wine her, Dine her, Call her, Hug her, Support her, Hold her, Surprise her, Compliment her, Smile at her, Listen to her, Laugh with her, Cry with her, Romance her, Believe in her, Cuddle with her, Go shopping with her Give her jewellery, Buy her flowers, Hold her hand, Write love letters to her, Go to the end of the earth and back again for her.

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN Arrive naked. Bring Pizza & Beer

Jokes about sheilas

What is the definition of a Wife? An attachment you screw on the bed to get the housework done.

What does WIFE stand for? Washing, Ironing, F#@%ng, Etc.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? About twenty to thirty kilos!

Why do women stop menstruating in their fifties? 'Cos they need the blood for their varicose veins!

How do you know your wife's dead? Sex is the same but the dishes pile up high in the kitchen!

What was the most intelligent thing that has ever slipped out of a woman's mouth? Albert Einstein's cock!

How many men does it take to change a lightbulb in the kitchen? Why bother? Can't the bitch cook in the dark?

Why do men fart more than women? 'Cos women never shut their mouth for long enough to let the gas build up!

What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About twenty to thirty minutes!

A blonde and a brunette were talking one day. The brunette said that her boyfriend had a slight dandruff problem but she gave him "Head and Shoulders" and it cleared it up.
The blonde asked inquisitively, "How do you give shoulders?"

If it's got tits or wheels sooner or later you're gonna have problems with it.

What have women and dog turds got in common? The older they get, the easier to pick up!!

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
A half-gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated," You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.
She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly"

Two blokes bump into eachother in the supermarket. Sorry mate, says the first one, I am a bit nervous, I lost my wife, can't find her anywhere. Second bloke replies; gee, I can't find mine either, how about we go and look for them together? Sure, says the first one, what does you wife look like? Eh well, she's blonde, long hair, tall slim body, well tanned, large breasts and she's wearing a tight fitting low cut black dress. What does your wife look like? Forget about my wife, says the other bloke, let's go and look for yours!

Sheila wants an all over suntan but is not quite sure how to ho about it so she says to Bruce; you reckon I should go sunbathing in the nuddy in the backyard? Yeah, no worries, says Bruce, go for it. But what if the neighbours see me naked, what will they think? Bruce; that I married you for your money.....

Two outback cowboys are having a chat about their favourite sexual positions, when one of them says; I like the rodeo rider.
The rodeo rider? The other cowboy says, what is that, never heard of it! Well, says the first cowboy, when you're doing it doggy style you lean forward, get a firm hold of your wife's boobs and then you whisper in her ear; gee, they feel exactly the same as your sister's.. And then you try to stay on for another ten seconds!!

Blonde to her friend; I have to be really careful not to get pregnant. Her friend; but didn't your husband get a vasectomy done recently? Yes, exactly, that's why...

25 Reasons why beer is better than women

1 - You can enjoy a beer all month long
2 - Beer stains wash out
3 - You don't have to wine and dine a beer
4 - Your beer will always wait patiently for you in the car while you play football
5 - When your beer goes flat you toss it out and get another one
6 - Beer is never late
7 - A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer
8 - Hangovers go away
9 - Beer labels come off without a fight
10 - When you go to a bar you know you can always pick up a beer
11 - Beer never has a headache
12 - After you're finished with a beer the bottle is still worth five cents
13 - A beer won't get upset if you come home with another beer
14 - If you pour a beer right you'll always get good head
16 - A beer always goes down easy
17 - You can always share a beer with friends
18 - You know you're always the first one to pop a beer
19 - Beer is always wet
20 - Beer doesn't demand equality
21 - You can have a beer in public
22 - A beer doesn't care what time you come home
23 - A frigid beer is a good beer
24 - You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good
25 - If you change beers you don't have to pay maintenance

Generally politically incorrect jokes

Little Johnny comes home from school and says to dad; at school the boys were talking about pussy, what is pussy? Dad gets his Penthouse magazine out, opens it , draws a circle and says, there, that's it, everything in that circle. Then Johnny says, they were also talking about a bitch, what's a bitch?
Dad; everything outside that circle!

Three blokes were working on a high rise building project, Macca, Chook and Simmo. Chook falls off and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Simmo says,"Someone should go and tell his wife." Macca says, "OK, I`m pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."
Two hours later, Macca comes back carrying a slab of VB. Simmo says,"Where did you get that, Macca?"
"Chook's missus gave it to me." "That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she
gave you beer?" Macca says, "Well not exactly. When she answered the door, I said to her, "You must be Chook`s widow."
She said, "No, I'm not a widow."
And I said, "Wanna bet me a slab"

A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer.

Bruce took his missus Sheila to the Ekka in Brissie and one of the first exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls. They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year." Sheila playfully nudged Bruce in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year."
They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 120 times last year." Sheila gave Bruce a healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."
They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, "This bull mated 365 times last year." Sheila, so excited that her elbow nearly broke Bruce's ribs, said, that's once a day, you could REALLY learn something from this one."
Bruce looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if all those times it was with the same old cow."

Two drovers standing in a bar. One asked, "What are you up to?" "Ahh. I'm takin' a mob of 6000 from Goondiwindi to Gympie." "Oh yeah . . and what route are you takin'?" "Ah, prob'ly the Missus; after all, she stuck by me durin' the drought."

What do you say to a feminist with no arms and no legs?

Option A: NICE TITS !!
Option B: How ya gonna do the dishes?

Man rings up his wife; I've won the lottery!!! I've won a million dollars!! Pack your bags! Wife: That's great! What should I pack for? A beach holiday in Queensland? Skiing in the Snowy Mountains?
Husband: I don't care..., just f*#!k off !!

Man comes home drunk and says to his wife; Jesus, you're ugly!
Wife replies; you are pissed!
Man; yes, but that'll be gone by tomorrow!

Question: What's the fastest way to get to southern Tassie?
Answer: Shoot through Port Arthur.

An Aussie and a little man were sitting at a bar in Sydney when this huge, burly American guy walks in. As he passes the Aussie, he hits him on the neck knocking him to the floor.The big, burly Yank says,"That's a karate chop from Korea." Well, the Aussie gets back on his barstool and resumes drinking his beer.
The burly Yank then gets up to go to the bathroom and, as he walks by the Aussie, he hits him on the other side of the neck and knocks him to the floor."That's a judo chop from Japan", he says.
The Aussie decides he's had enough and leaves.A half hour later he comes back and sees the burly Yank bastard sitting at the bar. He walks up behind him and smacks him on the head, knocking
him out.
The Aussie says to the bartender, "When he wakes up mate, tell him that was a f*ckin' crowbar from Bunnings."

Sheila was in a coma. Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath.
One of them was washing her private area, and noticed that there was a response on the monitor,when she touched her.They went to her husband Bruce and explained what happened, telling him,"Crazy as this sounds maybe a little oral sex, will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."
Bruce was skeptical, but they assured him, that they'd close the curtains for privacy. He finally agreed and went into his wife's room.
After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses ran into the room. "What happened?" Bruce replied, "I guess she choked."

A married bloke was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to her place and rooted all arvo.
Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM. The bloke hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.
"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon."
She looked down at his shoes and said: "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"

At the end of the tax year the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"
"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles." "Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way: "What about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of matzo balls."
"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."

Bruce and Sheila are waiting at the bus stop; with them are their 8 children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only Sheila and her eight anklebiters are able to fit in the bus. So Bruce and the blind man decide to walk. After a while Bruce gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick, that ticking sound is driving me crazy!!" The blind man replies: "If you would've put a rubber on the end of YOUR stick, we'd both be sitting in the bus! So shut up and keep walking !!!!

Bruce came home late one night and Sheila says "Where in the hell have you been?" He replies, "I was out getting a tattoo." "A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?" "I got a hundred dollar bill on my dick," he said proudly. "What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain; "Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his dick?" "Well, for one; I like to watch my money grow, and two; once in a while I like to play with my money, three; I like how money feels in my hand and lastly; instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want.

A bunch of blokes are in the changing room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and began to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
BLOKE: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Darling, it's me. Are you at the club?"
BLOKE: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the shopping centre and found this beautiful leather coat.
It's only £1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
BLOKE: "Sure,..go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005 models. I saw one I really liked."
BLOKE: "How much?"
WOMAN: "£70,000"
BLOKE: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing ... The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking £950,000"
BLOKE: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of 900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It really is a pretty good price."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"
BLOKE: "Bye! I love you, too." The bloke hangs up. The other blokes in the changing room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape..... He smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

Bruce was dying. Sheila sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly: "I have something I must confess before I die."
"There's no need to, " she replied. "No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I must tell you. I've rooted your sister, your best mate, her best mate, and your mother!"
"I know," she replied, " now just rest and let the poison do its work."

A bloke escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money, beer and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then goes into the bathroom.
While the man is in the bathroom, the husband tells the wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years... I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which the wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay,thought you were cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey, I love you too!!"

The Sydney Morning Herald conducted a poll of male readers to see what exactly each enjoyed from having oral sex performed on them...
Seven percent said they most enjoyed the sensations.
Five percent confessed that their chief enjoyment came from the sense of domination.
A staggering 88 percent said that they really enjoyed the peace and quiet.

A man and his wife are having a baby. The time when the baby is due to arrive finally comes and the husband grabs his video camera and takes his wife to the hospital. When he get there the nurse start to do thier stuff. The man asks the nurses if there is anything he can do to help. The nurse relpies no please wait outside. After five minutes the man asks the same question and gets the same reply. this carrys on untill the baby is born and he asks the question again. This time the nurse replys if you want you can wash the baby. The new dad is thrilled at this suggestion and goes off to wash the baby. After a while the nurse returns to check on the dad. When she arrives she sees him with his finger in the baby nostrils moving the baby around like a boat. The nurse say that is not how you wash a baby. The dad replies: 'It is when the water is too hot!!'

In the beginning..............

In the beginning God created day and night. He created day for footy matches, going to the beach and barbies. He created night for going prawning, sleeping and barbies. God saw that it was good.
Evening came and morning came and it was the second Day.
On the Second Day God created water - for surfing, swimming and barbies on the beach. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Third Day.
On the Third Day God created the Earth to bring forth plants - to provide tobacco, malt and yeast for beer and wood for barbies. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Fourth Day.
On the Fourth Day God created animals and crustaceans for chops, sausages, steak and prawns for barbies. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Fifth Day.
On the Fifth day God created a bloke - to go to the footy, enjoy the beach, drink the beer and eat the meat and prawns at barbies. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Sixth Day.
On the Sixth Day God saw that this bloke was lonely and needed someone to go to the footy, surf, drink beer, eat and stand around the barbie with. So God created Mates, and God saw that they were good blokes. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Seventh Day.
On the Seventh Day God looked around at the twinkling barbie fires, heard the hiss of opening beer cans and the raucous laughter of all the Blokes, smelled the aroma of grilled chops and sizzling prawns and God saw that it was good. well almost good. God saw that the blokes were tired and needed a rest.
So God created Sheilas - to clean the house, bear children, wash, cook and clean the barbie. God saw that it was not just good, it was better than that, it was bloody great! IT WAS AUSTRALIA !!

Eight Words with two Meanings

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-___expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest ___expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

Kiwi jokes

A Kiwi walks into his bedroom carrying a sheep in his arms and says:
"Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."
His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies: "That's not a pig but a sheep, you idiot."

The man says: "Shut up, I wasn't talking to you."

Click here to see our Kiwi Jokes page with all our Kiwi jokes...

Alternative national anthem

THE NEW AUSTRALIAN NATIONAL ANTHEM

Australians all let us rejoice
The weekend now is near
We've worked all bloody week for this
Dear God let's get a beer.
Our desks abound in paperwork
Our hands are stained with ink
In desperate stage, we'll fly the cage
Advance to Friday drinks!!
With joyful strains, destroy our brains
Advance to Friday drinks.

Prison vs. work

IN PRISON..........you spend the majority of your time in a 10X10 cell.
AT WORK............you spend the majority of your time in an 8X8 cubicle.

IN PRISON.........you get three meals a day.
AT WORK...........you get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON..........you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK............you get more work for good behavior.

IN PRISON..........the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK............you're often required to carry a security card and open all the doors yourself.

IN PRISON..........you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...........you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON.........you get your own toilet.
AT WORK..........you share the toilet with some people who pee on the seat.

IN PRISON..........they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK............you're not supposed to even speak to your family.

IN PRISON.........all expenses are paid by the taxpayers.
AT WORK............you pay all your expenses to get to work, and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON..........you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK ...........you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON .you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK...........they're called managers.

The Pokeher Player

Bruce, Robbo and his missus were playing poker one evening. Bruce accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Robbo's wife Sheila's map of Tassie as she wasn't wearing any undies under her dress! Shocked by this, Bruce upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later, Bruce went to the kitchen to get more beer. Robbo's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?" Surprised by the boldness, Bruce courageously admitted that, well indeed he did. She said, " Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500," After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Bruce confirms that he is interested. She tells him that since her husband Robbo works Friday arvos and Bruce doesn't, Bruce should be at her house around 2:00p.m. When Friday rolled around, Bruce showed up at Robbo's house at 2p.m. sharp and after paying Sheila the agreed sum of $500 they went to the bedroom and had a root and Bruce paid as agreed. Bruce quickly dressed and left. As usual, Robbo came home from work at 6 p.m. and upon entering the house, asked Sheila abruptly. "Did Bruce come by the house this afternoon? Sheila answered "Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon." Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked,"And did he give you $500?" In terror she assumed that somehow he had found out and after mustering her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500," Robbo, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, Good on him, I was hoping he did. Bruce came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."
Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player!!

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