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Amazing Australian Jokes page 6
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Aussie jokes a often a bit on the rude side.
Here is the video where you can see Ju-Liar Gillard promise us that we will never have a carbon tax....
Robbo and Bruce are enjoying a VB in the pub and
Robbo says; hey, did you and Sheila go to that hypnotist show?
Yeah, says Bruce, it was a shocker, mate!
Really? Says Robbo. I thought this bloke was really good and got people to do all sorts of enterntaining stuff.
Oh, he was good alright, says Bruce. He had a dozen blokes up on stage, all hypnotized, got them to bark like a dog, bow for the queen, all sorts of shit. But then he got a zap from his microphone and he said aah, fuck me!I
What happened next will haunt me forever..
Ponder on these imponderables for a minute:
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?
Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't
it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted,
cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
If alcohol is to blame for 15% of deaths on the road, could you reduce road deaths by 85% by banning sober driving?
BREAKING NEWS: The Victorian Police just
pulled a dead man out of the Yarra River.
He was wearing pink fishnet stockings, high heels, a Crows jumper and had a dildo shoved up his arse.
Police removed the Crows jumper to save embarrassment to the family.
THE DALAI LAMA JOKE
In June 2011 Australian "Today" show host Karl
Stefanovic sat down with the Dalai Lama during his tour of the continent
down under. For some bizarre reason he decided to tell him a joke:
"The Dalai Lama walks into a pizza shop," and says, 'Can you make me one with everything?'
It was met with a blank stare from the Dalai Lama so he told it again, this time a bit slower, and when the Dalai Lama failed to laugh again he buried his face in his hand and admitted defeat.
The failed joked went viral in the world news around the planet, most people could not believe that someone could tell such a bad joke to a revered spiritual leader.
Bruce and Sheila were in bed. Sheila asked Bruce
what trick she could do to please him.
Bruce said " I love that trick you do with your mouth." . . .
"What trick?" she asked?
"The one where you shut up and go to sleep!"
A blonde was about two hours from the Gold Coast
when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.
The man walked up to the car and asked, 'Are you going to the Gold Coast?'
'Sure,' answered the blonde, 'do you need a lift ?'
'Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the Gold Coast Zoo.
They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me ? I'll give you $100 for your trouble..'
No worries,' said the blonde.
So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts, and off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of the Gold Coast when suddenly he was horrified!!
There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.
With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.
'What the heck are you doing here ?' he demanded, 'I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo.'
'Yes, I know you did,' said the blonde,' but we had money left over --- so now we're going to Sea World.
A Russian woman married an Aussie bloke and they
lived happily ever after in Sydney.
The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband.
The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.
One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, so, in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message and gave her the chicken legs.
Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again and gave her some chicken breasts.
On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she decided that the only way to go about this was to bring her husband to the store.
So take a moment to think about how she made it clear to the butcher that they wanted sausages....
Well, simple, her Aussie husband speaks English so he said to the butcher "G'day mate, give us half a dozen snags thanks"
Bruce's 75 year old dad thought he should do something
about his ginormous beer belly so he went to the gym.
While he was there a young sheila with a perfect body came in, and Bruce's dad got the hots for her immediately.
So he went up to the trainer and asked him which machine he should use to impress the young sheila.
The trainer looked him up and down and said; I would suggest the ATM in the reception area....
Bruce says to his Irish mate Paddy, 'close ya
curtains when you're rooting ya missus!
The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday"
Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them stupid bastards because I wasn't even at home yesterday."
Bruce says to Paddy, "Christmas is on a
Friday this year".....
Paddy replies: "Let's hope it's not the 13th."
An Aussie bloke wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three sheilas. He gave each sheila a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.
The first sheila does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.
The bloke was impressed.
The second sheila goes shopping to buy the bloke gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much..
Again, the bloke is impressed.
The third sheila invests the money in the stock market She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the bloke was impressed.
The bloke thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.
Then he married the one with the biggest tits.
Bruce is explaining to his mate Robbo how got
his black eye;
I was rooting this sheila on her kitchen table when we heard the husband come home.
She said, " Quick, the back door!"
. . . thinking back, I really should have legged it - but you don't get offers like that every day.....
Robbo replies to Bruce;
Mate, that's nothing. I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money.
Last night I rooted a sheila called Penny - spooky or what?
Bruce was in a bar in Sydney and a little Asian
guy is standing next to him.
Bruce said to him, “Hey mate, do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate or Ju-Jitsu?”
He says “No, why the fluck you ask me dat, is it coz I look Shineez”?
“No”, Bruce said, "It’s because you’re drinking my beer, you slanty-eyed little c*nt, and then whacked him across the head.
A policeman patrolling Kings Cross spots a huge
black guy dancing on the roof of a Ford Sierra.
He gets on the radio and calls for backup.
"What's the situation?"
"A big fat darkie is dancing on a car roof."
You can't say that over the radio!" replies the operator,
"You have to use the correct terminology as they taught you on the radio course at the police academy"
"OK" he says,
"Kilo... Zulu .... Tango .... Sierra...."
Two Aussie blokes, Robbo and Stevo, were adrift
on the wide ocean in a lifeboat.
While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Robbo stumbled across an old lamp.
He rubbed the lamp vigorously and a genie came forth.
The genie, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.
Without giving much thought to the matter, Robbo blurted out, "Turn the whole ocean into beer. Make that Boags Premium!"
The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the sea turned into the hard-earned thirst quencher.
The genie vanished.
Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two blokes considered their circumstances.
Stevo looked disgustedly at Robbo whose wish had been granted.
After a long, tension-filled silence Stevo said,
"Nice going ya boofhead ! Now we gotta piss in the boat !"
Bruce was in the queue at the ATM.
An old lady in front of him asked if he could check her balance.
So Bruce gave her a push and knocked her over.
A bunch of blokes are camping and fishing and
have run out of grog.
So Robbo and Bruce decide to walk to the nearest bottle-o to get some new supplies.
The others keep fishing and eat a few pies.
Two hours lates Bruce walks back in to the camp, straining under the weight of four cartons of XXXX.
Where's the hell is Robbo? asked the mob.
Oh, he just had a stroke or heart attack or something, Bruce says.
What, and you just left him there?
Yeah well, Bruce replies, I could not carry Robbo and the beer, it was a tough call, but then I figured that nobody was going to steal Robbo.....
Sheila works at an office, when her boss calls
The boss is not very good at maths and has problems calculating a discount on an invoice, so he asks her, if I was to give you $20 000.- ,minus 10%, how much would you take off?
Sheila yells out: absolutely everything, mate!
Robbo runs in to the pub and yells Bruce!!! Some
asshole just stole your ute!
Bruce replies; did you see who it was?
Robbo: no, but I wrote down the rego plate!
Bruce gets pulled over for a random breath test.
The cop says; you got any ID?
To which Bruce replies; About what?
Bruce's dad walks into the barbershop for a shave
and a haircut.
He tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.
The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.
When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he's had in years.
But he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed that little ball.
The barber replied, "Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does".
The Australian Labor party announced today that
they are changing their emblem to a condom.
They believe that it more clearly reflects their party's political stance:
- A condom stands up to inflation
- halts production,
- discourages co-operation
- protects a bunch of dicks
- and gives one a sense of security while screwing others.
An old bloke in Ballarat owned a large farm.
The farm had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.
One evening the old bloke decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young sheilas skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the sheilas aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the sheilas shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave, you dirty old bastard!'
The old bloke frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you sheilas swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'
Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the crocodile...'
Some old blokes can still think fast....
A bloke met a beautiful blonde sheila and decided
he wanted to tie the knot with her right away.
She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.'
He said, 'That's no worries, we'll learn about each other as we go along.'
So she consented. They were married and off they went on a honeymoon at a resort.
One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.
After a few more demonstrations he came back and lay down on the towel.
She said, 'That was incredible!'
He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along.'
So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps.
After seventy-five laps she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath.
He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?'
'No mate,' she replied, 'I was a hooker in Mildura, but I worked both sides of the Murray!!!
Bruce's missus has been missing for a week.
He gets a phone call from the cops who are on the case, and they tell him to prepare for the worst.
So Bruce jumps in his ute to get her clothes back from the Op-shop.....
Bruce says to Sheila, "My Olympic condoms have arrived, ...... I think I'll wear Gold tonight."
Sheila says, "Why not wear Silver and come second for a change."
Bruce says; hey, I bought some of those flavoured condoms today.
Sheila dives under the blankets and says; mmm…, is this salt and vinegar?
Bruce; hang on mate, haven’t put it on yet…
A big strong and fit looking bloke walks into a
bar, and a sheila recognizes him as a famous rugby player.
They start to talk, have a few beers, and eventually go back to his place.
They start to kiss, and the rugby player takes off his shirt. On his arm, he has a tattoo that says REEBOK.
"What's that for?" the sheila questions.
"Oh, I have this so that when I'm on TV, people will see my tattoo, and Reebok pays me."
Then the rugby player takes off his trousers, and on his leg, he has a tattoo that says NIKE.
'What's that ?' the sheila questions again.
"Just like the Reebok tattoo, I get paid when this tattoo is seen on TV."
Then the rugbyplayer drops his undies and on his penis he has a tattoo that says AIDS.
The sheila screams: "Don't tell me you have AIDS!"
The rugby player replies: "No, no...!!! Calm down...!!!
It will say ADIDAS in a minute."
Bruce spotted a nice looking sheila while he was
driving around the golf course.
Because of this he didn't see an obstacle in front of him and bang, crash, he overturned his golf cart.
The nice sheila came running over and helped him get out from under the golf cart and back on to his feet, and she was very concerned about him.
I live just around the corner here, she said, come back to my place and I'll get you a drink and clean up your clothes a bit.
Mmmmm... I don't think my missus would like that, he said.
But the nice sheila would not give up and eventually she convinced Bruce to follow her to her house.
Here she pulled a few cold beers out of the fridge, cooked him some lunch, and washed his clothes that were soiled.
As Bruce was still limping a little she suggested she should give him a massage. Again Bruce said; I dunno, I don't think my missus would like that, but she was persuasuve and brought out some oil and gave his legs and back a massage.
By now the daylight was fading and she suggested to him that he should stay for dinner as well, and even spend the night there.
I'd love to, Bruce said, but the missus is not gonna like it, she is gonna be really cranky with me.
How is she gonna know, the sheila said, and where is she anyway?
Bruce; under the golfcart....
Bruce and Sheila are veging out on the couch watching
Bruce has the remote and keeps changing between the porn channel and the fishing channel.
After a while Sheila gets ths shits with all the changing and yells;
For F#$*&K sake Bruce, will you stop changing those F%^$$%ing channels!!
Just leave it on the F^$^%ing porn channel, you already know how to fish......
Bruce's boss has sent him to a safety course.
The instructor asks him: if a tsunami alert was issued, what steps would you take?
Bruce: fucking quick and big steps mate!
Bruce is in the pub and the local cop comes in.
Hey Bruce, you better go home some guys just broke in to your house, raped your wife and drank all your beer.
That is unbelievable, says Bruce.
They rooted her after only five cans of beer....
A bloke walks into a bar with his pet crocodile.
The bartender screams and demands he get the man eating creature out of there!
The bloke tries to calm the bartender down and says he is very well trained to prove it he whipped out his cock and put it in the crocodile's mouth, then he hit the crocodile over the head with a rake and after a few good smacks he pulls it out and shows the bar tender,"Look, no marks."The bartender is still unsure so the bloke asks..."Would anyone else like to try?" The bar is quiet but a blonde in the corner stands up and says..."I will but don't smack me so hard on the head with the fuckin rake!"
Four guys have been going to the same fishing trip for many years.
Two days before the group is to leave, Bruce's wife Sheila puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Bruce's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do. Two days later the three mates get to the camping site only to find Bruce sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.
"Shit Bruce, how long you been here? How did you talk your missus into letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since last night. After dinner at home yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and Sheila came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who?'
I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing sexy brand new lingerie. She said she had been reading 'Fifty Shades of Grey' and she had a devilish look in her eyes!!!
She took my hand and led me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over.
On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes!
She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.
And then she said, 'Do whatever you want.'
So . . . . here I am!"
Bruce is on the phone to his mate.
Hey Robbo, had a ripper time last night. Went out last night and got really wasted. I woke up in the middle of the night next to some chick who was snoring and farting, so I knew I made it home OK!
Tasmanian bloke to his mate:
My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them.
It was my own fault.
I should have taken them off before we jumped in to bed.
A bloke escapes from a prison and breaks into a
house to look for money and guns.
Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.
While tying the homeowner's missus to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his missus: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck.
If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain... do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!"
His missus responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom.
Be strong honey, I love you, too!"
After both suffering from depression for a while, Bruce and
Sheila had decided to commit suicide together.
But strangely enough, once Sheila had killed herself, Bruce started to feel a hell of a lot better.
So he said “Fuck it, back to the pub!”
Bruce woke up this morning at 8, and could smell something was
When he got downstairs he found the missus face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing!
First he panicked and didn’t know what to do. Then he remembered McDonald’s serves breakfast until 11:30.
Sheila asked Bruce how many women he'd slept with.
Bruce: Only you.
All the others kept me awake all night!
Bruce and Sheila had a domestic argument.
Sheila packed his bags, and as he walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"
"Oh," Bruce replied, "so now you want me to stay!"
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