Australian Kiwi Jokes
Aussies love to tell jokes about their Kiwi neighbours,
Kiwi jokes are some of Australia's favorite jokes,
there's probably thousands of Kiwi jokes out there but here's a
small selection, if you know another good one please
send it to us!
Send this image as
a postcard
A little introduction for international visitors not
familiar with the Aussie / Kiwi rivalry; a lot of the Kiwi jokes
that Aussies tell are based on the (never officially proven) theory
that New Zealander men have sex with their sheep.
There are actually more sheep than people in New Zealand so plenty
of choice but then again there are even more sheep in Australia
than in New Zealand, sheep statistics show that more than half of
Australia is being grazed by 137 million sheep on 53 000 sheepfarms
providing 70% of the world's wool for clothing.
New Zealand has never been invaded by another country, no wonder
with such a well equipped army!
An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks
into a Small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting
his dog.
He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi:
"G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?"
Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."
Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"
Dog: "Yeah, doin' all right."
Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing
at the Villager)
Dog: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great
food
and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Kiwi: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think."
Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool"
Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing at the
villager)
Horse: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly,
Brushes me down often and
keeps me in the barn to protect me from the Elements."
Kiwi: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Kiwi: (in a panic) " Don't believe a word he says, that sheep's
a bloody liar.."
Send this image as a postcard
NZ Earthquake
A major earthquake, measuring 9.1 on the Richter scale has hit New
Zealand this morning. The country is devastated with 350,000 New
Zealanders missing, and over 100,000 injured.
The country is totally ruined and the government is so overwhelmed
that it has issued a worldwide appeal for assistance. Other nations
have been quick to respond to the disaster.
Britain is flying in rescue workers and sniffer dogs to help locate
trapped victims.
The USA is flying in food supplies and aid money.
France is flying in doctors, nurses and first aid units.
Japan is flying in high tech communications equipment.
Germany is flying in special trained police squads to help restore
order.
Russia is flying in tents and warm clothing.
Australia is flying in 350,000 replacement Kiwis.......
Helen Clarke, Kiwi Prime Minister
If you're aged over 18
click image for the uncensored version..
Send this image as
a postcard
Helen Clarke, Prime Minister of New Zulland,
is rudely awoken at 4am by the telephone.
"Hillen, its the Hilth Munister here. Sorry to bother you
at this hour but there is an emergency! I've just received word
thet the Durex fectory en Auckland has burned to the ground. It
is istimated thet the entire New Zulland supply of condoms will
be gone by the ind of the week."
PM: "Shut - the economy wull niver be able to cope with all
those unwanted babies - wi'll be ruined!"
Hilth Munister: "We're going to hef to shup some in from abroad...
Brutain?..."
PM: "No chence!! The Poms will have a field day on thus one!"
Hilth Munister: "What about Australia?"
PM: "Maybe - but we don't want them to know thet we are stuck."
Hilth Munister: "You call John Howard - tell hum we need one
moollion condoms; ten enches long and eight enches thuck! That way
they'll know how bug the Kiwis really are!!"
Helen calls John, who agrees to help the Kiwis out in their hour
of need.
Three days later a plane arrives in Auckland - full of boxes.
A delighted Hillen rushes out to open the boxes. She finds condoms;
10 unches long; 8 unches thuck, all coloured green and gold. She
then notices in small writing on each and ivery one.........
MADE IN AUSTRALIA - SIZE : MEDIUM
Send this imageof a Kiwi on a romantic outing as a postcard
A Kiwi walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm
and says:
"Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."
His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies:
"I think you'll find that's not a pig but a sheep, you idiot."
The man says: " Shut up, I wasn't talking to you."
Send this image as
a postcard
Prime Munister Helen Clark's husband was jogging near
his home in Auckland.
Every day, he'd jog past a hooker standing on the same
street corner. He learned to brace himself as he approached her
for what was almost certain to follow. "Two hundred and fifty
dollars!" she'd shout from the curb. "No! Five dollars!"
He would fire back, just to shut her up.
This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence.
He'd run by and she'd yell, "Two hundred and Fifty dollars!"
He'd yell back, "Five dollars!"
One day, Helen decided that she wanted to accompany her husband
on his jog. As the jogging couple neared the working woman's street
corner, Dr. Davis realised she'd bark her $250 offer and Helen would
wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings. He figured
he'd better have a darn good explanation for the 'Boss'.
As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner,
he became even more apprehensive than usual. Sure enough, there
was the hooker. He tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched
the pair jog past.
Then, from her corner, the hooker yelled, "See what you get
for five bucks, you tight bastard?!"
Send this image as
a postcard
You know a good one?
Send it to us !
|
