Australian Kiwi Jokes
Aussies love to tell jokes about their Kiwi neighbours, Kiwi jokes
are some of Australia's favorite jokes, there's probably thousands
of Kiwi jokes out there but here's a small selection, if you know
another good one please
send it to us!
Aussie jokes a often a bit on the rude side.
Do not scroll down to read these jokes if
you are easily offended or under age 16
Send this image as
a postcard
A little introduction for international visitors not
familiar with the Aussie / Kiwi rivalry; a lot of the Kiwi jokes
that Aussies tell are based on the following theories:
1. the ( so far not scientifically proven) theory
that New Zealanders are dumb and far less intelligent than Australians.
2. the belief that New Zealanders move over to Australia only to
go on social security and not to do any work. While this may have
happened to some extent back in the days that it was very easy to
live on the dole, nowadays this is not the case anymore.
3. the (never officially proven) theory that New Zealand men have
sex with their sheep.
There are actually more sheep than people in New Zealand so plenty
of choice but then again there are even more sheep in Australia
than in New Zealand, sheep statistics show that more than half of
Australia is being grazed by 137 million sheep on 53000 sheepfarms
providing 70% of the world's wool for clothing.
New Zealand has never been invaded by another country, no wonder
with such a well equipped army!
An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand
walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch
patting his dog.
He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to
the Kiwi:
"G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?"
Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."
Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"
Dog: "Yeah, doin' all right."
Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing
at the villager)
Dog: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great
food
and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Kiwi: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think."
Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool"
Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing at the
villager)
Horse: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly,
brushes me down often and
keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
Kiwi: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Kiwi: (in a panic) " Don't believe a word he says, that sheep's
a bloody liar.."
Send this image as a postcard
NZ Earthquake
A major earthquake, measuring 9.1 on the Richter scale has hit New
Zealand this morning. The country is devastated with 350,000 New
Zealanders missing, and over 100,000 injured.
The country is totally ruined and the government is so overwhelmed
that it has issued a worldwide appeal for assistance. Other nations
have been quick to respond to the disaster.
Britain is flying in rescue workers and sniffer dogs to help locate
trapped victims.
The USA is flying in food supplies and aid money.
France is flying in doctors, nurses and first aid units.
Japan is flying in high tech communications equipment.
Germany is flying in special trained police squads to help restore
order.
Russia is flying in tents and warm clothing.
Australia is flying in 350,000 replacement Kiwis.......
What do Kiwi's and sperm have in common?
Millions of them enter and only a couple of them actually
work.
A tour bus full of tourists stops by a farmer
holding a sheep. One of them calls out "are you shearing?".
The farmer yells back, in an unhappy tone 'NO, **** off and get
your own!'
Helen Clarke, Kiwi Prime Minister
If you're aged over 18
click image for the uncensored version..
Send this image as
a postcard
Helen Clarke, Prime Minister of New Zulland,
is rudely awoken at 4am by the telephone.
"Hillen, its the Hilth Munister here. Sorry to bother
you at this hour but there is an emergency! I've just received word
thet the Durex fectory en Auckland has burned to the ground. It
is istimated thet the entire New Zulland supply of condoms will
be gone by the ind of the week."
PM: "Shut - the economy wull niver be able to cope with all
those unwanted babies - wi'll be ruined!"
Hilth Munister: "We're going to hef to shup some in from abroad...
Brutain?..."
PM: "No chence!! The Poms will have a field day on thus one!"
Hilth Munister: "What about Australia?"
PM: "Maybe - but we don't want them to know thet we are stuck."
Hilth Munister: "You call John Howard - tell hum we need one
moollion condoms; ten enches long and eight enches thuck! That way
they'll know how bug the Kiwis really are!!"
Helen calls John, who agrees to help the Kiwis out in their hour
of need.
Three days later a plane arrives in Auckland - full of boxes.
A delighted Hillen rushes out to open the boxes. She finds condoms;
10 unches long; 8 unches thuck, all coloured green and gold. She
then notices in small writing on each and ivery one.........
MADE IN AUSTRALIA - SIZE : MEDIUM
Why does New Zealand have some of the fastest race horses
in the world?
Because the horses have seen what they do with their sheep..
Send this image of a Kiwi on a romantic outing in Australia as a
postcard
A Kiwi walks into his bedroom carrying a sheep
in his arms and says:
"Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."
His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies:
"I think you'll find that's not a pig but a sheep, you idiot."
The man says: " Shut up, I wasn't talking to you."
How do Kiwi's find sheep in long grass?
............ Delightful!
Send this image as
a postcard
Prime Munister Helen Clark's husband was
jogging near his home in Auckland.
Every day, he'd jog past a hooker standing on the same
street corner. He learned to brace himself as he approached her
for what was almost certain to follow. "Two hundred and fifty
dollars!" she'd shout from the curb. "No! Five dollars!"
He would fire back, just to shut her up.
This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence.
He'd run by and she'd yell, "Two hundred and Fifty dollars!"
He'd yell back, "Five dollars!"
One day, Helen decided that she wanted to accompany her husband
on his jog. As the jogging couple neared the working woman's street
corner, Dr. Davis realised she'd bark her $250 offer and Helen would
wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings. He figured
he'd better have a darn good explanation for the 'Boss'.
As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner,
he became even more apprehensive than usual. Sure enough, there
was the hooker. He tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched
the pair jog past.
Then, from her corner, the hooker yelled, "See what you get
for five bucks, you tight bastard?!"
Send this image as
a postcard
A Kiwi walks into a Sydney unemployment office.
He marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi!
I want to apply for the dole, I hate being on welfare and I'd much
rather have a job but I have looked everywhere and just can't find
any."
The clerk behind the Centrelink desk says, "Your timing is
excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man
who needs a chauffeur/bodyguard for his two twin 21 year old nymphomaniac
daughters. You'll have to drive them around in his Mercedes, but
he'll supply all of your clothes. You'll have a three-bedroom apartment
above the garage. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.
You'll be expected to escort his daughters on their frequent overseas
holidays to Tahiti and the Bahamas. The starting salary is $250,000
a year".
The Kiwi says, "No way mate, you gotta be bullshitting me!"
The Centrelink officer says, "Yeah, well, you started it".
Two Kiwis are walking down a street in Sydney.
One of the Kiwis happens to look in one of the shop windows and
sees a sign that catches his eye.
The sign said: "Suits $5.00 each, Shirts $2.00 each, Trousers
$2.50 per pair".
The Kiwi says to his mate, " look! We could buy a whole lot
of those, and when we get back to New Zealund we could make a fortune!
Now when we go into the shop, you be quiet, OK? Just let me do all
the talking, cause if they hear our accent, they might not be nice
to us, so I'll speak in my best Aussie accent."
They enter the shop and the Kiwi says, "I'll take 50 suits
at $5.00 each, 100 shirts at $2.00 each and 50 pairs of trousers
at $2.50 each. I'll back up my ute and..."
The owner of the shop interrupts. "You're from New Zealund,
aren't you?"
"Well... Yes," says the surprised Kiwi. "How the
hell did you pick that?"
The shop owner replied, "This is a bloody dry cleaners, mate!
The
following is an extract from one of those romantic Mills and
Boon novels, they publish special New Zealand editions not
available anywhere else:
We met in a secluded
field on the Coromandel Peninsula, the sun nearly kissing
the evening horizon. The warm breeze was full of that earthy,
musky scent that only those fortunate enough to live outside
the urban rat race know, and a quiet whispering of leaves
in the weeping willow overhead added the final touch to the
most romantic scene. We lay there, both naked. I knew I had
to have her, and have her now.
Without a word being spoken,
I moved to a position of dominance. I could feel instantly
that this was what she was waiting for as she frantically
thrust her pelvis at my approaching organ. I moved slowly
at first, inch by inch, until I was fully inside her. Then
as the tension rose, we threw caution to the wind and abandoned
ourselves to the moment.
Although inexperienced, she
approached every change of position with enthusiasm. She moaned
with despair each time I withdrew to prevent myself ending
it all too soon. As the sexual tension heightened towards
the inevitable mind blowing climax, it was all I could do
to hold out any longer. Finally, the moment we had been building
up to was upon us, and passed all too quickly.
Breathlessly we rolled together
in the now damp grass. As the last deep orange glow of the
long settling sun melted into the darkness of approaching
night, we lay there still entwined in an amorous embrace.
I kissed her long and lovingly, and whispered reassuringly
how good she had been.
She tenderly and sensuously
licked my inner ear then whispered, "Baaaa" and
rejoined the flock. |
If you like our jokes you can link to our
Aussie jokes page, with a text link or with this banner:
Click
here for linking code to place this banner on your site
You know a good one?
Send it to us !
Use
of this website constitutes acceptance of the User Agreement for
this website
Contact us | Advertise
on this site |
| Link to this site |Add
your photos or stories of Australia to this site
Webmasters | Affiliates
| Cheap
domain names | Cheap
web hosting | Cheap
Australian domain names and hosting
© Amazingaustralia.com.au
- your one stop shop for cheap
flights accommodation
car hire
and tours in Australia ! |
|
