Australia tourist information on accommodation, tours, cheap flights and car hire.
Accommodation | International flights | Domestic flights | Tours | Travel insurance | Car hire | Online shopping | Dating | Humor

Australian Kiwi Jokes


Aussies love to tell jokes about their Kiwi neighbours,
Kiwi jokes are some of Australia's favorite jokes,
there's probably thousands of Kiwi jokes out there but here's a small selection, if you know another good one please send it to us!

kiwi jokes
Send this image as a postcard

A little introduction for international visitors not familiar with the Aussie / Kiwi rivalry; a lot of the Kiwi jokes that Aussies tell are based on the (never officially proven) theory that New Zealander men have sex with their sheep.
There are actually more sheep than people in New Zealand so plenty of choice but then again there are even more sheep in Australia than in New Zealand, sheep statistics show that more than half of Australia is being grazed by 137 million sheep on 53 000 sheepfarms providing 70% of the world's wool for clothing.


New Zealand has never been invaded by another country, no wonder with such a well equipped army!

 

An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a Small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog.

He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi:
"G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?"
Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."
Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"
Dog: "Yeah, doin' all right."
Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the Villager)
Dog: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food
and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Kiwi: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think."
Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool"
Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing at the villager)
Horse: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, Brushes me down often and
keeps me in the barn to protect me from the Elements."
Kiwi: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Kiwi: (in a panic) " Don't believe a word he says, that sheep's a bloody liar.."

kiwi party costume
Send this image as a postcard

NZ Earthquake
A major earthquake, measuring 9.1 on the Richter scale has hit New Zealand this morning. The country is devastated with 350,000 New Zealanders missing, and over 100,000 injured.
The country is totally ruined and the government is so overwhelmed that it has issued a worldwide appeal for assistance. Other nations have been quick to respond to the disaster.
Britain is flying in rescue workers and sniffer dogs to help locate trapped victims.
The USA is flying in food supplies and aid money.
France is flying in doctors, nurses and first aid units.
Japan is flying in high tech communications equipment.
Germany is flying in special trained police squads to help restore order.
Russia is flying in tents and warm clothing.
Australia is flying in 350,000 replacement Kiwis.......

helen clark kiwi joke
Helen Clarke, Kiwi Prime Minister
If you're aged over 18
click image for the uncensored version..
Send this image as a postcard

Helen Clarke, Prime Minister of New Zulland, is rudely awoken at 4am by the telephone.

"Hillen, its the Hilth Munister here. Sorry to bother you at this hour but there is an emergency! I've just received word thet the Durex fectory en Auckland has burned to the ground. It is istimated thet the entire New Zulland supply of condoms will be gone by the ind of the week."

PM: "Shut - the economy wull niver be able to cope with all those unwanted babies - wi'll be ruined!"

Hilth Munister: "We're going to hef to shup some in from abroad... Brutain?..."

PM: "No chence!! The Poms will have a field day on thus one!"

Hilth Munister: "What about Australia?"

PM: "Maybe - but we don't want them to know thet we are stuck."

Hilth Munister: "You call John Howard - tell hum we need one moollion condoms; ten enches long and eight enches thuck! That way they'll know how bug the Kiwis really are!!"

Helen calls John, who agrees to help the Kiwis out in their hour of need.

Three days later a plane arrives in Auckland - full of boxes.

A delighted Hillen rushes out to open the boxes. She finds condoms; 10 unches long; 8 unches thuck, all coloured green and gold. She then notices in small writing on each and ivery one.........

MADE IN AUSTRALIA - SIZE : MEDIUM

 

kiwi on a date
Send this imageof a Kiwi on a romantic outing as a postcard

A Kiwi walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says:
"Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."
His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies:
"I think you'll find that's not a pig but a sheep, you idiot."

The man says: " Shut up, I wasn't talking to you."

sheep kiwi joke
Send this image as a postcard

Prime Munister Helen Clark's husband was jogging near his home in Auckland.
Every day, he'd jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner. He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow. "Two hundred and fifty dollars!" she'd shout from the curb. "No! Five dollars!" He would fire back, just to shut her up.
This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence. He'd run by and she'd yell, "Two hundred and Fifty dollars!" He'd yell back, "Five dollars!"
One day, Helen decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog. As the jogging couple neared the working woman's street corner, Dr. Davis realised she'd bark her $250 offer and Helen would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings. He figured he'd better have a darn good explanation for the 'Boss'.
As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, he became even more apprehensive than usual. Sure enough, there was the hooker. He tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past.
Then, from her corner, the hooker yelled, "See what you get for five bucks, you tight bastard?!"

kiwi joke
Send this image as a postcard

You know a good one? Send it to us !

BACK TO TOP OF PAGE
click here

Contact us | Advertise with us | Need a website? | |Disclaimer & conditions of use for this website | Add your link | Search this website | Webmasters